terrible things - ashton irwin

fifty three

The days blurred into one another as Ashton began to dream more and speak less. Time had lost meaning for him, but I was overcome by a sense of waiting. Something was coming, something that would be dreadful darkness and that would also be relief.

We stayed with him in shifts: Ann in the mornings, Joe in the afternoons, Jonathan in the evenings, and me at night. I read to him from Ann's books: Steinbeck, Whitman, Fitzgerald, Hemingway. She read him The Little Prince.

One night, in the middle of my watch, I slipped outside into the warm darkness. The crickets were going crazy, and the lightening bugs were like tiny lanterns flashing a kind of insect Morse code.

Through the window, Ashton looked small and frail under the covers, like a little kid in his childhood bed. Like he ought to be clutching a teddy bear.

I picked a star and wished as hard as I could that some how I could protect him from what was  on the horizon.

We're in this together, Ashton used to say. I remembered the first time he'd ever said it to me, at dinnertime in the cancer ward when we'd been handed a tray of brown slop and green peas. "We're in this together," Ashton had declared. "Lav, we can do this." He'd lifted his fork high in the air, like a sword. "We can eat this...this...whatever it is!"

It was a joke back then; now it's real. We were in this together for just a little bit longer, because what was coming next, Ashton was going to have to go through alone. I would have traded my life for his, but there was no one to offer this to. No one who could make the exchange. No star that would grant my wish.

At three o'clock that morning, I was dozing, my hand on his , when suddenly he was awake.

"The motorcycle," he said, his voice haunted and urgent. "Does it have gas?"

I was instantly at attention. "Yes," I said.

"I think the head gasket's blown, it's seeping oil."

"Your brother's looking into it," I said. Whatever world Ashton was in now, I would play along. "He says not to worry, he'll take care of it. It'd going to be up and running right away."

"What about the clutch cable? It's worn."

"He'll fix that, too"

Then Ashton looked at me for a long time. At some point, he seemed to come back to himself. "Lav," he whispered.

"Hi," I whispered back.

He gazed around the room at the Bob Dylan poster, the drum kit, all the things he'd left behind when he went away to the hospital. His fingers fluttered, and I reached out to grab them.

I knew what was coming. What I should say.

There was a stone in my throat, but I swallowed hard. "It's okay," I said. "It's okay to go." The final stop.

He bought my hand up to his lips and kissed it, right in the centre of my palm. Then he closed my fingers around it, as if the kiss were something I could hold on to forever.

I climbed into bed with him. He shifted, sighing. "Lav," he said.

"I'm right here."

I held his head in my arms. I pressed my mouth to his cheek. We are in this together.

"Lav," he said again.

I told him I loved him. He loved me, too, he said, always. And i heard him say my name again. He whispered it over and over until it didn't sound like my name at all anymore. It was only sound, only rhythm. Almost like a song.

"Lav." he sighed. "Lavender."

And then, finally, he was silent.

Outside, the song of the crickets seemed to crescendo. I reached into my pocket for the lucky penny I had flipped so long ago in the cancer ward, hoping that it someone meant Ashton would make it. I'd kept that penny with me every single day after it showed me heads, that he would always be with me.

Now I held it tight, and then I flipped it high into the air and watched it land. But on what, it didn't matter. There was no question anymore, no wish, only the answer, and the emptiness it brings.

-

word count - 793

I just wanted to say a massive thank you to those who stuck to this book & made it to the very end, to those who were here from the beginning (I could name quite a few!), to those who remained loyal and patient with my year long updates. also a thank you to those started reading this in the middle of my updates or even now when it's already complete. endless love

03/06/18

- Charlotte xox