max needs to rant

one of those periods

sometimes i have these random episodes where i suddenly don't want to do anything with anyone but want to be alone. they're not affected by events that happen in my life--they just suddenly happen. well, during my spring break, i had one of those periods.

every saturday i go to the library with my two best friends cynthia and marcus, but last saturday i didn't even want to leave the house. i just had my period two days before and i used that as an excuse to not go to the library with them. i didn't tell marcus the reason i couldn't go to the library, but i told cynthia, because i'm not comfortable with talking about my period to my guy friends (if there are dudes reading this, oh well). i told cynthia that my period was just killing me and i wanted to stay home and rest. but... that was a lie.

in truth, my periods have never caused me excruciating pain. i don't get intense cramps or become unable to move (which i'm thankful for). i was having that episode where i just wanted to be left alone and not deal with people. basically, i told cynthia i wanted to stay home because of my menstrual period and not because i was having 'one of those periods' where i want to be alone. one day i'll apologize to cynthia for lying about why i didn't want to go to the library, but none of my friends know that i have days where i just want to be left alone.

as i'm writing this, today's date is april 1st, aka easter aka april fool's (ugh). april fool's is my least favorite holiday, so on april fool's i take everything seriously while also being skeptical of everyone and don't joke around or prank anyone, which is strange considering i love to pull pranks and jokes on my friends and family. well, it didn't help that i was still in that phase where i wanted to be alone. my sisters wanted to go to disneyland (we have an annual pass), but i chose to stay home so i could stay in my room to read, write, and watch shane dawson conspiracy videos. i feel bad for abandoning them, but i told them i'll go next time. well, as long as i don't feel like blocking myself away physically from the rest of the world.

i wouldn't call it depression, because i don't feel depressed. i guess it's more of a social thing rather than a mental battle with myself. but (i guess) because i was on my period, i did have some moments where i was more emotional than normal. like when my little sister told me to bring her something to school and she completely forgot about me and left me waiting half an hour in front of the school and i cried when i got home // when i was looking through 5sos photos and i started crying because i want to be as tall as they are // and when i asked my dad to get me a caramel frappe and he told me to get it on my way home (he thought i was at disneyland) and i told him i was at home and he became concerned when he found out i didn't go with my sistersand he got me my drink plus fries and i started crying because i love my dad so much. he even asked me if i was feeling okay and why i was feeling sad, and i had to explain to him that i wasn't sad but i just wanted to stay at home.

anyway, as you can see, i'm just mess all over the place, but please don't worry about me too much or at all. even though i've been isolating myself physically, i have been messaging my online friends and irl friends, so i'm not completely shutting everyone out.

also, as for these random episodes, i'm not worried about them happening every once in a while, because i don't think it's hurting me. i'm fine and i'm still me; the only difference is that i want to be me alone.

if you read all of this, thank you for doing so. i love you, and have a good day/evening, wherever you are.

on a completely random and positive note, 5sos are back and malum is so alive and in love, i cannot handle it.

okay, i go now. max out.