max needs to rant

but i'm okay with it

in case you didn't know, my ex and i broke up back in october--a week before our 11 months together. the reason for our break up? october was around the time he got together with his first girlfriend and that made him sad, so he asked me to give him some space--he asked his GIRLFRIEND OF ALMOST 11 MONTHS to give him space! hurt and honestly upset by this, i told him that we should break up and he agreed.

i once told him that if we ever broke up i would never speak to him again, so when i told him that again after we actually broke up he begged me to not just end everything with him. he still wanted me in his life and didn't want to throw absolutely everything away. i ended up giving in after he kept pleading.

guess what? the day after we broke up only i was in tears and he seemed totally fine. and when i tried to make our friendship work, only i was the one reaching. so i gave up. we didn't speak for a few months (until i unfortunately ran into him and had to be nice and chat). the last time we spoke was when i gave him a belated birthday present that i promised to get him. he loved the gift, but ever since then he wouldn't even give me a single glance.

so obviously the whole 'i want you to still be in my life' thing he said to me was complete bullshit.

anyway, after finally acknowledging the fact that we were no longer going to be a part of each other's lives, it had me realize--no one is ever going to love me. the one guy whom i did everything for whenever he asked me, whom i envisioned a future with, whom cared for me more than anyone i was ever with--he was still hung up over his ex and moved on from me within a blink of an eye. all the time we spent together meant absolutely nothing to him, and i meant nothing to him.

throughout a majority of high school, i believed i was going to be single forever, that no one would ever want me. i do not find myself beautiful physically or personality-wise. at least, my body isn't anybody's ideal physique nor is my personality something anyone would fall in love with. with that mindset, it made me okay with being single. but after my last ex confessed to me i thought, 'hey, wow. i actually might have a happy ending with love.' boy, was i wrong. it ended with only me hurting.

he told me, 'don't let our break up make you lose hope in ever being in a relationship ever again,' but what he doesn't know is that i already lost hope years ago. this relationship just made me be very certain that no one will ever love me. our relationship was the best that i ever had. i tried to be the best girlfriend for him by showing him all my love, but i wasn't good enough. i will never be good enough for him. or for anyone, for that matter.

it still hurts to this day, but i'm mostly over it. at one point i started liking one of my friends (let's call him morgan), but he seems to be interested in one of my friends. of course, because i already believed i was going to be forever single and that no one would ever like me, i wasn't hurt by it. same with my current crush (who is a complete fuqboi). he (let's call him tyler) i'm pretty sure has a crush on my best friend (let's call her may), and may also feels like he likes her (she knows about my crush on him), but she doesn't like him back. she texted me how she felt that tyler might like her but she assured me that she had no feelings for him and asked me if i was okay and told me that things will be better. she's a good friend like that.

to be honest, even if i did like him, i didn't care who tyler liked. i made sure to tell may that. i told her that i knew i had no chance with him, so the fact that he possibly has a crush on my best friend didn't hurt me at all. then we talked about how we should just be single forever and only have each other and started complimenting each other about things.

basically, i may develop crushes on people, but i know that they will never return my feelings. but i'm okay with that. i am perfectly okay with that. i'm okay with being single forever, because i already gave up on finding love. if it comes, then it comes, but the chances of that ever happening is pretty close to zero. no matter how many times people tell me, i will never see myself as beautiful and will never see the beauty in me that others see.

i would just like to say that it is okay to be single. i may not think i'm the most beautiful girl (or even beautiful at all), but i'm pretty content with how things are right now. i have my best friends by my side (even if most of them are in a relationship) and i love them lots. there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. if you find love, that's great. if not, that's great too. just be happy and let life happen. (:

i guess that's all for this? yeah, okay. i'll be goin' then. max out.