him & I | gd

alone

*story fast forwards a year*
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Alexis's point of view

It's been a whole year now. An entire year since I met Grayson for the first time.

Yeah I've been counting.
Counting the days one by one.
The days that turned into weeks.
The weeks that turned into months.
And the months that turned into a year.

Every single day I'd secretly hope he would come back.
Even a single text.

But it didn't happen.
It didn't.

Life has been good I guess.
Who am I kidding? It's all a mask I put on.
Pretending to be happy when I'm not. Yeah I have modeling and my friends to look forward to.

But honestly, what even is happiness?
I've forgotten.

I miss my mother. Each and every day.
My mind has been lost and no vacation or trip has been able to help that.

My mind is somewhere else. A piece of me is missing. And that piece is Grayson.

I'm in love with him.
Even if he hurt me multiple times.
Even if he cheated on me.
Even if he completely broke me.
Even if he left me when I needed him the most.

I love him till this day.
Back then I didn't want to admit it. I refuse to admit it.

But I did. I loved him back then as well. A part of me will always love him. A part of me wishes he'll come back one day.

So basically to describe life lately in one word, I'd say lonely.

Even with all these wonderful people and distractions around me, I've felt so alone.

Two reasons why:
Grayson
My mother

I lost both my best friends at the exact same time.

Every guy that crossed paths with me, I've hurt them.
Leaded them on making them think I'm interested but then I break them. Hard.

It gives me satisfaction. Knowing I'm doing the same thing Grayson did to me. Yes I'm still mad at him. But I know that as soon as my eyes meet his, I'll melt.

Somehow I manage to move forward and hold on. Somehow I manage to be strong, or at least act strong. But really I'm just a broken and lost girl.

Tomorrow is a huge event where social media influencers go. I picked out a long black dress to wear to that.

I'll be seeing heaps of people who work in the same industry as me. I'm a little excited I must say.

Not excited to meet new people though.
Excited because a small part of me has hope that Grayson will be there.

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Grayson's point of view

Life has been a complete mess lately. A complete and utter mess.

It's been a whole year since I met Alexis and I left her. I fucking left her when she needed me the most.

I've hated myself every day. Regretted it every day.

I'm still doing YouTube but besides that all I've been doing is working out and surfing and going for long walks at 1 am. I don't know why.

I don't know anything anymore. I miss her.
I still love her.

I haven't slept with anyone, I can't bring myself to do it.

I feel disgusted at myself.
Because I can't ever imagine myself with anyone but her.
Alexis Ren and that's all.

Life has been lonely without her.

Yeah I smile and laugh but it's not real.
I feel like nothing is real anymore.

The only real thing I had was our relationship which I destroyed.

I wonder every night if she misses me, if she ever thinks about me.

I wonder if she ever loved me.

Who am I kidding, why would she. I'm a horrible guy.

I still look at her photos on social media. She looks so happy. She's got that glow on her skin again and that sparkle in her eye.

Maybe she's moved on.
I want to reach out to her again. But I just...

Can't.

I'm too afraid that she hates me. That she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I wonder if she'll ever be willing to get in contact again.

Probably not.

I've been lonely. Incredibly lonely and life has never been at a lower point then it's been after we broke up.

Anyways, tomorrow night is a big event for influencers as myself and Ethan to attend to.

I picked out a suit.
White button up shirt with a black coat on top with matching formal black pants.

Pretty basic.
I guess I'm looking forward to that tomorrow. I'll meet new people.
Maybe re connect with some old friends as well.

Maybe Alexis will be there, who knows.
If I saw her, I honestly don't know how I would react or even show myself to her. I go nervous around her.

I don't know.
I don't know what the future holds.

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