Determined to Endure: The 4th Installment in my Daryl Dixon Love Story

Chapter 10: Never the Same

The radio comes to life with a mans voice who calls out, "Paula, we're approaching the perimeter. Are we a go?" Paula's scream lowers to gurgles as she dies and Carol moves to grab the walkie. The guy on the radio asks, "do you copy?"

Carol takes a moment, but then responds, trying to sound like Paula, "meet us on the kill floor."

Carol then turns to us and says, "I have a plan. We get them into the room from before and we can get them all at once." She informs us.

"How?" I ask, wondering how one gun will kill all those people. I'm new to shooting but I know we don't have enough bullets for that. They'll be at least three men, probably more.

She pulls out the cigarette then explains, "they have gasoline, we lock them in and light it up."

Maggie nods and I just stare at her. I know we need to do it, but it is still sickening, "I'll find the gasoline" I say without realizing it. I guess my body just knows we need to move. I find it within minutes and bring it back to the room from earlier. We spill it all over the floor and prepare to do what we have to do. As we wait, Carol says out, "I think I might have killed 18 people. 19."

"I should've killed Donnie. In the woods." I confess, "I had a clear shot. I didn't miss. None of this would've happened if I had just killed him." Even though I didn't kill Donnie, Molly or the dark haired women, I'm still responsible for their deaths. It's as if I killed them all.

Maggie whispers back to me, "don't think about it."

"I can't stop thinking of all the people I killed. I just can't." Carol adds on again, her doing just as bad, possibly worse than I am. She tries to stop herself from crying.

Maggie stays strong, "we're almost done."

We wait for what feels like hours but is only minutes before we hear the door open. We hear their footsteps and Maggie quickly closes the door we are hiding behind further closed to keep us hidden. The men talk to one another, wondering if they are in the right place and telling each other to be careful. They think they are coming to save their people but they're actually walking into their own death. Carol lights the cigarette and the three of us move to shut the sliding door they all have passed and entered. She throws it in at the last second and we lock it shut. The screams come instantly, at first blending with the heavy sound of the door. I keep my eyes averted from the small square window, and try to block out the people as they plead and cry to be let out. We start to walk back to the entrance, the smoke quickly filling the halls. As we get closer to the way out, we are reminded of the lives we took. As we pass Paula, Maggie stabs her through her skull, taking out all the walkers that remain in front of us. When the door slides open, the light is partially blinding to me but I hear Daryl's voice say, "hey."

The knife in my hand drops to the ground and his hands are quickly around my face, forcing me to look at him, "we got your trail. You start a fire?"

"Yeah." I barely manage to get out.

He keeps his hands on my cheeks, "hey, you good?"

"No." I answer him honestly, tears running.

"Come here." He pulls me into a hug and I grip him tightly, knowing nothing is going to be the same for me when I go back to Alexandria.

I back myself to a wall with Carol, and her hand finds mine. Daryl gives her a hug and she just stands and accepts it, not moving to reciprocate it. When he lets go, Rick turns his attention to the man they have with them. He says, "your friends are dead. No one's coming for ya. So you might as well talk."

"Let him burn." Daryl utters to Rick with pure hatred.

I pull at his arm, wanting him to stay near me. Rick keeps his voice low, "I'm gonna ask you one last time, how'd you get the bike?"

"We found it." The man says to him.

Daryl spits out, clearly pissed, "like hell you did."

"We found it." The man returns again.

Rick asks him a more important question now, "was Negan in that building last night or was he here?"

"Both." He then turns his head to actually look at Rick, "I'm Negan, shithead. There's a whole world of fun that we can talk about, so let's have a chat."

Rick takes one step back, pulling his gun up and tells him, "I'm sorry it had to come to this." He pulls the trigger and the last one of them is dead. It's silent on the entire ride back home. I can't even bring myself to doze off, too afraid I'll hear the screams of everyone we just killed.

When we get back, Daryl tells me he'll meet me in the house and that I should go clean up. When I get inside, I peal off the blood stained, smokey clothes and throw them into the bathtub. I run the water over them for a few minutes before turning it off and letting them soak. I stand in the shower, letting the water run over me. When I'm done, I wrap myself in a towel and lay on the bed. I don't know how long it has been but Daryl eventually comes into the room. It's dark now, but the light is on. I keep my focus on the ceiling as he takes a seat next to me, "you wanna talk about what happened?"

"If you didn't give me perimeter duty, I wouldn't have had to kill those people." I say. I can't say I'm still mad, but I don't know what I'm feeling.

He returns with an, "I'm sorry" throwing me off; "I didn't think yewd have to kill anybody if yew were out there." I just nod and he sits next to me, letting it stay silent. When I turn in the bed to lay on my side, he looks over and down to me and says, "you had to do it, yanno." I look up to him, wanting to listen and hopefully believe what he's saying, "it's us or them."

"I know" I simply return, wishing that was all it took for it to be justified for me.