Determined to Endure: The 4th Installment in my Daryl Dixon Love Story

Chapter 26: Staying Behind

Trigger Warning: self-harm.

We are offered two rooms to stay in and some food. As I eat dinner, I see Daryl occasionally glaring at me. As I take my last bite, I catch his eye and he holds it for just a few seconds before he looks away. I scoff to myself, knowing we need to talk again but not really having any time or place to do that alone. That night, I sleep the easiest I have since before the night in the woods and I wake up fully refreshed. As we walk around the Kingdom, we come to an opening where people are training. Some are running, others practicing shooting, some training in karate. Ezekiel says to us, this is life here. Every day. But it came at a cost. And I wanted more of this. I wanted to expand. To create more places like this. Men and women lost their limbs. Children lost their parents because I sent them into battle against the wasted when I did not need to."

"This is different." Rick tells him.

"It isn't." Ezekiel pushes back.

"It is." Rick assures, "the dead don't rule us. The world doesn't look like this outside your walls. People don't have it as good. Some people don't have it good at all."

"I have to worry about my people." Ezekiel argues back.

Daryl calls out, his voice louder than everyone else's, "you call yourself a damn king. You sure as hell don't act like one."

The king walks closer to him, "all of this" he looks around "came at a cost. It was lives, arms, legs" he points off towards some people, "the peace we have with the Saviors is uneasy, but it is peace. I have to hold on to it. I have to try." He walks back a few steps and adds, "although the Kingdom cannot grant you the aid you desire, the King is sympathetic to your plight. I offer our friend Daryl and Sadie asylum for as long as they require it. They will be safe here. The Saviors do not set foot inside our walls."

"How long do you think that's gonna last?" Daryl snarls, turning to walk off.

Carl, Tara and everyone else all turn to follow suit, to head to the Kingdom gates and leave. As we approach, I hear Richard talking, saying to Rick, "it isn't about soldiers. We're making them stronger. The more food we give them, the more arms, the more everything, every day any of us give them something, they become harder and harder to beat."

Rick calls for the men at the gates, "all right, open it up. We're gone."

The gates are open as as we step to leave, Rick says to Daryl, "you're not." I stop, wondering what he's going on about.

"I'm not staying here." Daryl spits back.

"You have to. You and Sadie-Mae." Rick pushes, "it's the smartest play. You know it is. Try to talk to Ezekiel. Or stare him into submission" He looks at me, and I give him a nod. He looks back to Daryl, "whatever it takes. We'll be back soon." Rick is the last to leave the Kingdom and when the gate closes, Daryl and I are left behind.

When Daryl turns we lock eyes. I whisper, "Daryl, please." I don't need to say more, he knows what I want. He just shakes his head and walks away from me. I retreat further into the Kingdom, deciding to walk and get familiar with the entire town. It's even bigger then what I first thought, different farming areas, a small school, and homes all around. I end up back at the room I stayed in the night before and find myself going to take a shower. As I go to take off my jeans, I remember the blade I tucked into them. I take it out, place it down on the sink and finish undressing. When I stand back into the mirror, I pick up the blade. I look at myself through the glass, and see what Daryl must see. I see myself as disgusting, someone who doesn't deserve him. I allow the self-loathing to consume me and I push the blade into my thigh and pull it down against my skin. "Ahh. Ahh" I bite my lip as the pain of the blade rushes through me. The blood starts to trickle down my leg. It's slow at first, and I quickly put a parallel cut right next to that one. As both start to bleed, quickly trickling down, I drop the blade into the sink and hop into the shower. I let the cold water run over me and the cut stings when the blood and water mix. I wash my hair quickly, and when it's out I turn the shower off and quickly hop out, wrapping a towel around me. I find a bandage in the mirror cupboard and use that to wrap around the cuts on my inner thigh. I look at myself in the mirror, and see a slightly better version of me. One whose pain has been redirected, even if temporarily to the throbbing that's occurring on the lower half of my body. I put on a new pair of underwear and put back on my jeans. I throw on the sports bra and top I've had on and slip on a new pair of socks. Once my boots are tied up, I start to brush at my hair, this time with a real brush. When I'm done, I leave the bathroom and go off to find something to eat.

King Ezekiel allowed us to keep both rooms we were using the night before, but Daryl refused. He told him we wouldn't be more of a bother to his kingdom than we are already are. After dinner and some conversation with some of the people here, I make my way to the bedroom. When I get in there, Daryl is sitting on the sill of the window, a knife twisting under his thumb, "where were ya?" He asks once I sit on the bed to take off my shoes.

"Whats it matter to you?" I snarl without looking back to him. I stand and move to unbutton my pants but pause as I do. I remember the bandage wrapped around my thigh and stop before I actually get to pulling them down. I sit back down on the bed, keeping myself away from him.

He answers back after I sit, "I still love yew."

This grabs my attention, and I turn to look at him, "do you? Cause it's as if you never cared. Hell, you even said it at the sanctuary that I ain't your girl."

He shakes his head, and responds instantly, "I couldn't react. I didn't want him to know how much ya meant to me, how much yew mean to me."

"Then why do you blame me? You can't even look at me for more then a few seconds. Nothing happened between us Daryl, I was there for you!" I try to keep my voice low and stern but it's hard and I can tell it comes out shaky.

"I can't look at choo without seeing him kissing you, holding you close to him." He shivers.

I stand, walking over to him, "Daryl" I say when I stand above him. He looks up, his eyes meeting mine through the pieces of hair covering his face, "don't let him win, that's what he wanted. We're here now, we're together."

He grabs at me behind my legs and pulls me closer to him. His head is directly looking up so our eyes are still engaged, "I love yew" He mutters, one tear rolling down his face, "forgive me?"

"Of course" I say to him, and once I do his forehead connects to my stomach and he wraps his arms around me. I use my right hand and rub it through his hair a few times. We stay this way silently for a few minutes until I hear him sigh. I feel him start to move and I lower my hand and he stands up. He takes his hand, puts it on my chin and kisses me. His lips push hard against mine before he pulls them away just to open them again for more. We continue kissing, and I start to feel more like myself again. We stumble backwards to the bed and just continue to kiss passionately. We must kiss for at least an hour before we stop. When we do, I whisper, "I love you"

"I love you more" He returns, moving to allow me to lay on his chest. As we lay together, both willing to fall asleep I allow myself to feel lucky. I know our days could be numbered. I know Negan and his men could find us, and would kill us if they did. But tonight, I feel safe in his arms. We are okay again and I want nothing more than to revel in it for as long as possible. The next morning, Daryl is already gone before I wake up. Nothing new there. After I fix myself up, I go to the mess hall to grab some food. I spend the afternoon trying to figure out what I can do here to feel useful, how I can help while we wait for Rick to return. That afternoon, Daryl and I decide to take a walk together. While we walk, the king and a group of men, including Morgan return from outside. Daryl walks over to meet Morgan and I watch from the stairs as they have a conversation, one I could tell wasn't pleasant. It only lasts a few minutes, and Daryl storms away from him. As we walk away together, me trying to keep my pace with his I ask, "what happened?"

"Nothin', he's a coward" He spits back.

"He's not a coward, he just doesn't want people to die." I argue back.

He turns and looks at me, "tell that to Abraham, or Spencer. These saviors won't stop, they'll slowly kill us all."

"And the workers at the sanctuary, will we kill them too?" I ask him, hands on my hips. He worked among them for a day or two but I was around them longer. Those people aren't killers, they aren't evil and they're just trying to survive. I went into the sanctuary willing to let them all die but things changed for me.

He shakes his head, "if they run with Negan, if they get in the way, then they go too."

"Daryl, you can't be serious?" I spit, "there are people in there who don't want to be there. They have no choice."

"Everyone has a choice, yew know that more than anyone." He spits. I inhale, thinking we figured that out all last night. He must see my change in stance and says, "iight, sorry. Still might take some time to get over it."

"Fine. Take some time, I'll see you at dinner." I spit, turning to walk away from him. Daryl doesn't follow me, and I knew he wouldn't. I wander off to the gardens, and offer to help them with whatever they needed help with.