Determined to Endure: The 4th Installment in my Daryl Dixon Love Story

Chapter 9: Always Fighting

As Paula and Molly talk I keep my focus on Carol. She still has that rosary bead in her hands and I think I know what she's doing with it. Then suddenly there's static and I hear Rick on the radio, "have you thought about it?" Paula pulls the radio out but doesn't answer. Ricks calls back, "talk to me."

She smugly answers, "you weren't listening. I said I'd contact you."

Static again then Rick, "would it make a difference if I said I was sorry about that?"

"What do you think?" She replies.

"I think we're gonna make the trade, so tell me where." Rick responds.

"We haven't agreed to that." Paula reminds him. Carol and I continue to look at one another and then her.

Rick says back, "you will."

"You know what?" She breathes out with confidence, "I'm not so sure. We'd be taking most of the risk, not getting much in the way of a reward."

Rick's own confidence comes through the airwaves, "the other option won't work out for you."

"We'll take our chances." She answers before turning the channel.

"You don't have to do this. You don't have to fight." Carol pleads, still shaking.

Paula answers her with her reasoning, "your people killed all of my people. Of course we gotta fight." She gets down more to her eye level, "we didn't want to. But you did. So tell me why."

Carol looks at me and I nod my head. She starts to explain, "your people ambushed my people on the road, tried to take everything we had. They were gonna kill them."

"Well, damn." Paula stands back up, slapping at her jeans, "so now we know what happened to T's group."

Molly shakes her head, "those idiots. Probably put on a big show."

"Okay, fair play. You were just defending yourselves. But, see, your people killed them on the road, right? Blew them to pieces. So, why not stop?" She asks next.

I explain this time, having been there, "they said they were working for Negan."

"And what do you think you know about Negan?" She looks to me now with a sort of darkness shining in her eyes.

Carol answers, "he sounded like a maniac. We were scared. We had to stop him."

"Sweetie, sweetie. We are all Negan." Paula smirks at carol.

"What do you mean?" She asks. Molly starts to cough and Paula just turns her back, "what does that mean?" Carol asks again, louder this time. Minutes go by and the older women lights her cigarette again. Paula stares at the man on the ground, and when Molly goes to light another Carol asks out, "can I have one?"

"Well, look at you, little bird. I didn't think you approved." She comments to her, hand on her hip.

Carol responds, "I don't."

Molly sticks one in Carol's mouth, then lights it for her. As she takes a puff, Molly turns to offer me one. I shake my head to decline and she puts her pack away. Paula walks closer to Carol, her hands on her hips as she looks her up and down, "you are weak. What are you so afraid of? So scared, you can't even stick to your own principles."

Carol answers her then, "you don't want me to stick to my own principles."

Paula goes into a story, "I was a secretary before. I fetched coffee for my boss and made him feel good about himself. I spent most of my days reading stupid inspirational e-mails to try and feel good about myself. There was this one that kept going around. A young woman was having a hard time and told her mom she wanted to give up, so her mom went to the kitchen and started boiling three pots of water. She put a carrot in one, an egg in another, and ground coffee beans in the last one. After they had boiled a while, her mom said, "Look, all three things went through the same boiling water. The carrot went in strong and came out soft. The egg was fragile and came out hard. But the coffee beans changed the water itself." You're supposed to want to be the coffee beans. See, to me, coffee was just a thing that my boss would drink up. No matter how many times I refilled his damn cup, it was just never enough. I was at work when the Army took over DC. We weren't allowed to leave. They had to evacuate all the important people first-- members of Congress, government employees. So I was stuck with my boss. Not my family-- my husband, my four girls--" She takes a few steps away from us, sniffling but soon returns to her story, "my boss was weak and stupid and he was going to die and he was going to take me down, too. He was the first person I killed so that I could live. I stopped counting when I hit double digits. That's right around the time I stopped feeling bad about it. I am not like you. I'm still me, but better. I lost everything and it made me stronger."