Determined to Endure: The 4th Installment in my Daryl Dixon Love Story

Chapter 23: Yelling

TW: mention of self-harm

"Daryl, what is it?" I finally ask, as he paces the small room.

He asks, without looking up, "he make yew do anything?"

"What?" I ask, not sure what he means.

He asks again, his fists bunched up, "he force himself on ya? Force ya to marry him? Kiss him?"

"What? No! He didn't touch me." I tell him back, wishing he'd stop pacing.

He eyes me through his matted hair and says, "why were ya there then? Why were you kissin' him?"

I try to tell myself not to overact, not to get mad that he's jealous. Daryl doesn't know how I got there or what I was thinking. I have to explain it, "when they took you, he offered me an opportunity to come back with him as one of his wives."

Before I could explain more he spits at me, "and ya said yes!" He steps closer to my face, making sure I can see his eyes and the hurt in them, "we're married."

I yell back, "I couldn't let you be taken alone, Daryl! I had to go so I could get you out!" I tell him my reasoning. He scoffs at me and I yell, "what? You don't think I could've got you out? You think I wanted to go and marry Negan?!"

"I don't know, that kiss seemed awfully special." He spits towards me.

I push his chest, outraged he'd even say that, "how dare you" I snarl, "I was doing what I thought I had to do to save you. You have to know I'd never actually be with someone else." He just stares me down as I yell at him. When he doesn't respond, I continue yelling, "fuck you, Daryl!" I push him again, "you have no clue what I put myself through just to maybe have a fucking chance at getting you out of there. I almost said yes to marrying that bastard just so I would know you wouldn't be fucking killed. So fuck you for thinking it was for anything else besides helping you!" I storm out of the trailer, slamming the door behind me. I have no idea where to go, knowing I can't leave the walls of the hilltop. As I storm across to the main field, I see Enid looking at me from a doorway. I walk over to her and ask, "can I clean up somewhere? Maybe get some food?"

"Sure, come with me." She answers, walking off. She brings me inside the Barrington house and up the stairs. I go to the bathroom I used once before to clean up and begin to wash off the dirt and grime I acquired to get here. Except, it's not just what I got from the woods, I start to feel the grotesque nature of Negan on my lips, Daryl's accusations hurting me emotionally. I rub as hard as I can, anywhere Negan has touched me over the last week.

When I'm done, I exit and towel dry off. I scan through the pantry and the shiny silver edge of a blade sparkles out and grabs my attention. Its been maybe 2 years since I've hurt myself and the desire has been subdued for so long. But the hurt I feel now, the betrayal that Daryl has accused me of is filling me up. I try to think about the last time I actually did it, the last time I felt the blood run down my wrist. It was in the beginning of this shit world, after getting away with Rick and finding our group. We've lost so many people since then, but the thought of losing Daryl, even just emotionally is stirring up my mind. I grab the blade in my hand and my mind flashes back to the night in the woods outside the farm. Daryl followed me out after Shane attacked me. He made me promise I would never do it again, and I've kept my promise. But I don't know what the point would be to keep it anymore. He doesn't trust me, he may not even love me anymore. Just as I bring the blade to my wrist there's a knock on the door "Yeah?" I call out, lowering the blade to my side.

I hear Rick's voice call back, "was wondering if you'd come down and talk with all of us. We have some questions."

"Sure, I'll be right down!" I answer. I hear his footsteps as he walks away and I redress myself. I slip the razor into the back pocket of my jeans and start to brush at my hair with my fingers as I head out the door. I meet everyone down stairs and say, "what do you wanna know?"

"How many people he have there?" Rick asks first.

Maggie stands next to him, a pad in hand. Daryl is off to the side, avoiding eye contact and Michonne and Rosita stand near me. I answer, "hundreds, of workers at least. As for fighters, maybe 2 dozen or so more then what was out on the road that night."

Maggie's adjusts herself where she stands, uncomfortable as I bring up the recent memory of Glenn's death. Rosita then asks, "and weapons? They got everything we had but what else?"

I shrug, "I don't know."

"How many other outposts did they have?" Rosita asks next, seemingly annoyed with me.

"I don't know." I repeat.

Rosita snarls, "so, what? You couldn't get any useful information while you screwed him."

She rolls her eyes but I move to lunge at her. Rick jumps in, holding me back and Michonne steps in front of Rosita in case she tried something. I yell, "I didn't fuck him!" I push myself away from Rick, "I'm fine" I tell him lowly, informing him I won't fight her. He cautiously lets me go and I keep my stare on Rosita, "he gave me a week to decide if I was going to be his wife. He didn't touch me or force me to do anything. I also didn't get around much while I was there. They are smart, they wouldn't just let me wander around."

"Okay, fine. Thank you. If you think of anything else, tell me." Rick says.

"Of course" I assure him.

He says to us all, "Gregory's already retired for the night" he puts a sarcastic emphasis on retired when he speaks, "so we'll come talk to him after breakfast tomorrow. I want us all there. Understood?"

We all agree. Some with a nod and some with a sort of verbal confirmation. Rick moves to leave, and Daryl pushes himself off the wall to follow. I look at him but he doesn't look at me. Anger runs through my toes to cheeks that he didn't stick up for me when Rosita called me out. Everyone else starts to leave as well and it's not until Maggie puts her hand on my arm do I realize we are the only two still standing there, "hey, I have some food in my trailer. Come on." I nod, and follow her there.