Mixed Signals.

58.

I woke up and kept my eyes shut as I could feel someone holding my hand. I didn't really want to know who it was. I didn't want it to be Jay and I really didn't want it to be anybody from work or home. Hoping it was my midwife I opened my eyes and saw Connor fast asleep in the armchair holding my hand. I smiled and squeezed his hand making him jump then smile.

"How are you feeling?" He smiled.

"Still nothing." I sighed.

"I'm going to up your dose." He nodded. He put another injection of liquid in my wire and then I shut my eyes and relaxed. I hoped it wouldn't be long. "Also by the way Gabby bought a lot of spare stuff for you. Hank's away at the moment but Gabby said she's preparing home for you so you'll be comfortable and she'll be round whenever you need her."

"Okay...thank you. Tell her I said thank you so much. I love her and hopefully I'll be home soon." I smiled choking up on my words. I heard him sit back down in the armchair and then he took my hand again. "Aren't you going home to Robin?"

"No. We're not together anymore and even if we were honestly Erin I think I'm needed more here with you."

"But your a trauma doctor and a surgeon."

"And you are one of my best friends and Jay is like a brother to me and I'm helping you both out." He smiled.

"Thank you Connor. Seriously. Thank you." I smiled gently. He went off to get 2 cups of tea for us both so I got up and stood by the end of the bed going through the bag of stuff I found some of my slippers and some of my stuff, like my phone and my meds. I was about to get back into bed when my water's broke. "Shit." I sighed. Then within seconds the contractions were coming thick and fast. A women from the little side room next to me come out. She was heavily pregnant and she came waddling over.

"Oh sweetie your in labour." She smiled. "You done this before?"

"Yeah, twice. But this is different. I'm only 26 weeks pregnant and I have to give birth now. Please help me." I could feel myself panicking so she helped me back on the bed and then got Connor for me.

"Oh darling it had to be when I went to get tea." He laughed. I managed a small laugh and this women stayed at my side.

"I'm Josie by the way. Have you got a husband I can call for you?" She smiled holding my hand.

"Oh well hi I'm Erin and no thank you I want to do this by myself - Plus my husband Jay is in India with the rangers." I sighed.

***

2 hours after the first contraction it was all over. I gave birth to a perfect little girl. She was tiny, almost hard to see she was a baby but it was horrible to have to go through that. I had been put on a post birth ward and I was surrounded by other mums and their newborn babies. I felt slightly uncomfortable. Like it made me upset knowing I couldn't be like that but to be honest I was happy they were happy. The next thing was I needed to decide when I was going to tell Jay what had happened. He knew I was pregnant so I had to think of something? I had the pain and heartache to deal with right now so Jay could wait. I wasn't sure who knew outside of work but the amount my phone was going off I had a feeling people were guessing what had happened or they knew I was in hopsital but they weren't sure why? Like I wasn't really sure but I was hoping it was the latter one. I checked the time and it was half past 9 so I decided it was nice for me to go to bed. I closed my eyes quietly and then laid there ready to fall asleep. All I could hear was my heart machines and all the other machines beeping above my head and next to the bed.

"Erin are you awake?" Connor whispered.

"What's up?" I coughed. I checked the time and it was 10:45.

"I just came to check on you. How are you feeling?"

"I just lost a baby. I'm not feeling wonderful. But honestly I'm finding it hard to sleep." I sighed.

"Fancy a walk? I'll get you in a wheelchair and we can head outside and get some fresh air?" He smiled as I sat up.

"Yeah please? Can we go sit outside and talk? I feel the urge to talk to someone." I sighed. I got out of bed and he carefully got me unattached from my machines and then into a wheelchair and we headed outside towards the front of the hospital. We sat out there and he smiled at me. It felt good to be out and about.

"What did you want to talk about?" He smiled.

"Just need some company. Jay's not due home for another 5 months. When do you think I'll be able to go home?" I coughed, he put his coat around my shoulders to make sure I wasn't cold.

"Well you gave birth today, so we'll keep you in tomorrow to make sure you are okay and then possibly Thursday morning depending on how you respond and how your body is healing up." He smiled again. I just felt comfortable around him and I was grateful for all his help.

"Okay..well when I get released can you take me home please? Then would you be able to stay with me for a bit to make sure I'm okay and help me settle in without Jay."

"Of course I will Erin. I planned on doing that anyway. No need to ask me." We both laughed at the same time and I reached out holding his hand. Something about him reminded me of Jay, his hair, his facial hair, the way he looked at me. It reminded me of home. I was grateful that himself, Will and Nat were taking it in turns to look after Florence for me. They were working with Gabby to make sure somebody was always there to look after her. I was so thankful for them all.