You Owe Me (Little Mix Fanfiction)

Chapter 10

My footsteps echoed around the sterile white room. The second the door creaked, Jade and Leigh stopped talking, letting the click of my crutches echo around. It was one of those terrifying moments where everyone was watching you, staring, observing, waiting for you to crack. I didn't crack, but I didn't say anything either. I just moved in and sat in the seat that Leigh's mum was occupying before she left. I simply looked around and then set my gaze on the end of the hospital bed that took up the majority of the room. Jade looked at Jesy expectantly but the only thing she said was,

"She's been like this since I picked her up, she has said exactly 5 words."

This would have been one of those moments where I would have gone,

"Wow, you actually bothered to count?"

But I wasn't in the mood for joking around so I just simply adjusted my stare to out the window. I could feel everyone's eyes on me, but I didn't do anything about it. I didn't want to talk.

I stopped staring out the window and let my emotional wreck of a brain take over my mouth. I stared at Leigh-Anne and then let everything I was thinking come out.

"Leigh I'm sorry, this is all my fault. I should have done what that f****** bastard told me to do in the first place and none of this would have happened. And I should have pushed you out if the way of that car, not the other way around. It was my fault that this happened so I should have gotten the worst of it. Instead I let one of my best friends suffer the fate that was originally destined to me. What kind of a friend am I? I can tell you what kinda of friend I am. A really s****y one. One that f***s up everything. None of this s**** should have happened to you. It should have been me because then it would have been right for it to happen, but it's just f****** unfair that this happened to you. You are the best friend we could ever ask for and then I go and f*** all of this up. How was I so f****** stupid to let all of this happen."

I had tears running down my face by the time I finished speaking. I had just vented out every ounce of emotion left in me and there was none left. The other girls stared at me in disbelief. I really didn't know what they were thinking, but if I could take a guess by their faces it was something along the lines of 'she is a f****** idiot'. I moved from my chair and shrunk into the wall, with my knees touching my shoulders. The other girls had stopped staring, but Leigh hadn't. It was sort of unnerving having her watching me like a hawk, tracing your every move, but I ignored it. My desire to speak was lost entirely after that explosion of emotional rapid fire.

I was waiting for someone to say something, but they never did. None of us did. We didn't speak that entire night, we didn't really know what to say, but it wasn't awkward. It wasn't tense either. It was peaceful but full of unspoken words that were trying to find a way to be phrased. They were just empty thoughts that could not be described in any verbal manner. Life was too short to leave things unsaid, but we couldn't bring ourselves to unfold the thoughts that were manifesting.

By around 11 I started drifting off to sleep, but I wasn't going to fall asleep on the floor. Jesy was sitting on a small one seater couch and I didn't want to be by myself, so I curled up with Jade on the 4 person window seat. Before the heaviness completely overtook my eyelids and the darkness consumed my mind I could have sworn I heard someone whisper,

"Perrie, you are the greatest friend anyone could ask for. None of this was your fault. There was nothing you could do." I couldn't work out which voice said it, so I didn't know who was talking to me while they thought I was asleep. I wanted to believe that voice so bad, that none of this was my fault, and that I was a good friend, but deep down I knew it wasn't true. I almost let my friend die because of my mistake. What sort of friend does that? Not a good one for sure.

The emptiness, yet feeling of completeness, that sleep brings is confusing. It is an empty void that consumes you and takes you into its control. It shouldn't be a comforting thing, yet for the small time you are in that state of disorient, your problems don't exist. They disappear. Some people say sleep is the cause of so many problems, such as grief, because they see them in their dreams. But it's not the sleep that causes the problems, it's the waking up afterwards. It's waking up realising that everything you just thought was reality wasn't possible anymore. It's waking up with the childish hope that nothing is wrong and then realising that everything is wrong. That is the problem with sleep. The only thing it does is trick you into a state of disbelief.

A disbelief of reality was possibly the most deadly thing in the world. It was the cause of so many suicides that couldn't be helped. No one realised how bad tricking yourself was,until it was too late.

You lose sight of what's real and what's all in your head and then get it mixed up. People don't believe you, they just think you're crazy. You know you're not crazy, you just can't tell the difference between fact and fiction. Your life soon revolves around what is real and what is not, and then you lose sight of your love of life. You hate being stuck in this world, so you take yourself away from it. You take away the sole most important thing in this world, life. Nothing is more important than life. It is the thing that this world survives on, yet we treat it like it is worth less than dust. That is the way that humans work.