A Life Of Lies | ✔

Ayansh • 4

Keep your fucking hands to yourself, asshole.

I keep scolding myself for that asshole of a behaviour in her closet. I don't know why in hell I think it's okay to be physical with her.

She's not yours, for the sake of hell!

She has all the rights to get away from me. She has all the rights to just slap me and kick me in the nuts. I feel disgusted. Yes, I may actually love her. But that is definitely no reason to make her feel uncomfortable. That is no fucking excuse to do anything.

I didn't notice when she came back from the dresser. Only her voice caught my attention and brought me out of my drowning misery.

"Ayansh?" she calls out. And I look at her, at her eyes. God, I am hoping there was no fear in them.

"I'm sorry-" we both said together.

"No, you don't - "

" Yes, I mean it - " The cycle goes on till she puts her hand up. I shut up immediately.

"I'm sorry for reacting like that. I didn't mean to get so jumpy and scared. Please don't mistake me," she says, her voice earnest.

I almost scoff. "Are you kidding me? Don't you dare ask sorry. I should be the one saying it. I didn't mean to scare you off like that. God, I shouldn't have done that... I shouldn't have made you feel uncomfortable. I feel so disgusted!"

Hansika shakes her head and takes a step towards me but I stop her. "No, Hansika. I really mean it. I should not make you uncomfortable or scared. No man who makes a woman feel scared or vulnerable is a good man. They're the weeds of the society. I'm so sorry and I'll never again do anything to make you get scared like that."

An unending wave of silence fleets past the end of my words. She looks at me, and I at her. Her eyes have some strange intent emotion she's trying to hide, but the tears collecting in her alcove make it tough for her. I open my mouth again to apologize but she shushes me. Taking baby steps, she reaches up to me and hugs me. Her chest heaves as she buries her face in my chest. I want to hug her back, but something inside of me stops me. So I just let her hug me.

"You're everything I wanted in life, Ayansh," her muffled voice conveys. All my shackles break as I place a hand on her back, resting my head softly above hers. And for a moment, a whole moment, it felt like a family. We felt like a family.

But you know what they say about how sweet and convenient lies feel.

***

Settling in with Hansika in a stable life for the past few months has been a smooth transition. But as I step out of the flight and board the cab waiting to take us to Shillong, I realize this old feeling resurface. I love travelling.

The wind kisses my hair as my face glows with the spirit of Darjeeling and I know - I know for sure - that I'm loving my life again. Settling back after getting all the fresh air I need, my eyes dart towards Hansika. She has her face near the window as well, taking in the breath of satisfaction. She has a genuine smile on her face, one so bright that it compensates for the calmer sun of the hills. The sharp peak of her nose pokes against the window with the movement of the car and she scrunches her nose like a child.

And it's déjà vu all over again. But just a different angle of it.

I look at her mesmerized, just like the very first time I saw her, and I feel the euphoria rushing through me. Negative thoughts that had grown like weed by the manure of my fears and vulnerability somehow shed themselves off my soul like frost sheds off of pine cones. And I feel it, I feel it in the deepest of my root and in every cell that holds it: I was always destined for her. And she for me. And everything else is white noise.

Somewhere inside of me, a dark side laughs, shaking his head at how nothing has changed in seven month's time. It's quite a trait if you ask me, to hold the same power over a person through the wear and tear of time. But when I think about it, only time has passed. The wear and tear are yet to begin. And something tells me I'm absolutely not ready.

Oh well.

***

"Are you sure about this?" She asks me for the nth time.

I sigh and give the same reply. "Yes, Hun. It's alright, it's not a big deal."

"Sending out all the tourists from a tourist spot is not a big deal?" She exclaims.

I bat my eyes in assurance as I say, "I'm not telling the entire lakeside to be deserted. Just this side, where there's barely any activity anyways. I've already spoken to the boat outlets to not let the tourists come this side and I've paid all the small scale vendors. It's a win - win, Hansika."

She hums and looks around. Ward's Lake is such a beautiful place, with a misty sky and a mellow setting sun making up for the cold weather. I can almost feel my breath come out in white puffs and I dig my hands deeper into my pockets.

"Do you wanna go on a boat ride? I have one arranged this side and I can drive it," I ask her.

Her eyes widen. "You can run a boat by yourself?!"

I shrug. "I've been to lakesides during summer vacation so I've picked up a few of lake side stuff."

She shakes her head at an amused disbelief before giving me the affirmative. The sun is giving a setting shade, lighting up a beautiful pink hidden among the clouds. Silence prevails everywhere except the soft sound of waters.

Hansika and I walk to the dock and I get in the boat first, helping her settle in next. Tying off the rope and pushing it in, I start the motor smoothly and give a few pushes of the oar for a perfect start. Once the boat starts moving, I direct it to the middle of the lake, far from land and directly below the mesmerizing canvas of the dusk sky.

Hansika leans forward a little and graces her hand past the surface of the lake, her face contorting like a happy child's exhilaration from the fresh chillness. And I see that, just that. Slowly letting go of the oar and keeping the motor in slow speed, I let the boat float softly as I turn to Hansika. She speaks no words, but she looks at the sky. The pink hue is now mixed with a little dark blue of the night sky and her eyes twinkle as she watches them.

"Beautiful." She turns to capture my word and smiles brightly. "Isn't it?" She says, her tone a little higher in harmony.

I say nothing but look at her, all of her; from the shallow layer of her skin to the underlying soul. She's beautiful through and through.

"What are you thinking?" She asks, touching my hand and looking at me. I turn my hand and hold hers softly as I bring it to my lips.

"I was thinking how if you let me kiss you, I'd show you how I feel the universe rattling around my heart," I whisper against her hands and softly let go of them.

Her breathing hitches for a second and I casually look to the side, not wanting to face rejection. We've taken our relationship to many levels of intimacy, but we've not kissed very often. And that is fine, except now when all I can think about is how right it would feel to spend the whole day worshipping her lips alone.

When I turn to face her again, I'm surprised to see her face inches away from me, her eyes looking into mine with intent. My hands immediately reach the back of her head as I close the distance between our lips.

And I am almost sure that there were fireworks everywhere, except it could be inside my stomach for all I know.

***