Forbidden Love .

19_ Forgiveness

lillia P.O.V

I was fee ling like i was grieving about someone's death expect there is no one dead .

Or maybe there is My dead love , my dead luck and defenitly my dead life .

I'm all over the start now . There is this girl inside who is trapped and can't never get out , no matter how she tries to fly into the clouds the land can't seem to let go , i'm trapped here can't sink in and can't get out , this is me . It was so stupid to think that i finally had a chance to be happy .

and who am i To be happy ? .

Being in this garden , sitting on this bench , in this place where we ended it . this seems like it's all what i am doing , everyone is moving on and i am here stuck in my empty life .

I was to bussy in my thought that i didn't see the person who was looking at me all the time , those eyes should be intimidating , he wasn't satistfied by that and he just made himself comfortable beside me .

If i was a normal girl i would've been freaking out right now , Jumped the second i saw him , but i'm not a normal girl , and i don't care anymore .

" Lately , you seem pretty lonely . "

" Well , isn't that what you wanted , victor ? . "

I looked at him , he was pretty devasted I can tell . But I bet his pain is not bigger than mine . 

" Aren't you scared , lillia ? after everything that happened and i'm here , Aren't you scared ? . "

Scared . No not this , try hurting dying , this seems more like me .

"Victor , I'm in a point right now , that if you killed with your bare hands , I don't care . So no you don't scare victor , and whatever game you want to play right now , i want to tell that I don't have the will and the capacity to play this hate and enemies game with you right now and I can tell that even you are not up to it . So please let's be civil and sane at this moment . "

I can see that victor was a little shocked with my answer but he is tired himself I know people who suffer , their face shows it because i look at that face everyday when i look at the mirror .

" Actually , I cam here to do something may seem stupid . "

" More stupid than what you did ? . "

Victor had a wild smile on his face because of my statement . I won't lie his smile made me smile too and for a second forget my pain and focus on the person infront of me . And then i noticed that victor wasn't that bad looking , his features were simply charming , and for a second i wondered how can someone who have such a beautiful smile can hide so many ugly scars ?

" Lillia , I came here to apologize . "

" To apologize . " , Well , that's something new .

" I Know it seems really stupid and it took me a long time , but you can expect an evil man to admit his ugly crime . maybe i am late but i am here now trying to apologize not just for what i did , i'm sorry for what i thought , and i'm sorry for how i acted , and i'm sorry for choosing you but the most important that i'm sorry for picking the lamest exuse to justify what I did . I know that you see me just as an irresposible and stupid guy who blame people for what's happening inhis life , who point to people flaws when he can't see his own . but believe when i tell you that i'm really sorry for what i did . "

Sincere . was sparkling in his eyes . Guilt , was covering it .

He was sorry and I felt it . Because when someone says sincer word they don't touch you ear they go through your soul and then you will realize that it's not the mouth who is speaking it's the heart doing the job .

" Victor , I will forgive someday . But today is not the day . " , I smiled to his , and smile made my words all lies , because it clearly told him that i forgave him , i just wasn't ready to admit it .

" Well , I wasn't that greedy anyway . that is more than enough , thank you lillia . "

For a moment my victor made me forget my pain , but when the silence came back my pain came along , because alex  will forever be there .

" You seem awfully , heartbroken . "

Right i forgot he was there . and wait a minute is my face screaming heartbroken ? , oh my god i'm miserable . 

" Is it that clear ? . "

" Like the sun infront of us . "

This guy don't know what a compliment mean he is too forward .

" Listen , lillia . i don't what happened between you two but i know that alex loves you . He adores you , he wanted to kill me when he saw because i hurted you and then he didn't because it will hurt you , no matter how he think it always lead to you . he's just wanna be right for you , so don't lose him . "

" And he is all what I am thinking about now . I don't know if i lost or not , but i know he will never lose me i'll always be there for him even if i won't really be there . but he is the owner of my heart but he can't take it anyway . "

Victor looked at me like i'm sort of a crazy , he was surely lost so i told him why i can't be with alex and why he will never be mine . explaining all the situaton to alex broke my heart again because i don't ever remember it but i can't seem to get over it either . 

" So Life sucks , huh ? . "

" And you suck too , i thought you are gonna comfort or tell me what to do . but you are pointing to nothing new . "

" Well , you want me to give you an advice about all this ? . "

" Why not ? , if i am sitting here with you it means i'm up to everything . "

My last words made victor chukle again , i don't know how our relationship got here but this time is good .

" listen , lillia . heartbreak is temporary it's not a life crisis . i know it seems hard now , it seems like you can't let go no matter how much you tried , like you are stuck into this whole and no is there to get you out , but there is no easy way . if you rreally want him you have to fight for him , not because you love him , it's because he is worth it . and then you have to think am i willing to fight ? , is he worth it ? . if yes you go from there but if it's no you have to let go . "

He was right but It's not about am i willing to fight or if alex was worth it ? , the thing is i have the hardest choice ever , religion or love . 

the question was am i willing to sacrifice ? .

" But victor . i can't choose between alex and my religion it's so hard more like impossible . if i choose alex i will lose my family my faith and everything i believed in and if i choose my religion i'll simply lose alex  . "

and For me alex was life .

" So what do you think i should do ? . "

Victor looked deeply into my eyes like he was reaching into my soul .

" I think you should let go . "

Just Let go . I'm not ready to do it but i have .

this is the time to let go .

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