A blessing in disguise

Thirty Two

Day 10 without John. Isolation. I can not tell you how many hours I spent crying, how many hours I've spent wishing it was me instead of John, how many hours I've spent in this room thinking of ways to push people out of my life. I haven't talked to Zach since the night John died. He's tried to comfort me many times. After a couple of day he realized it was no use, I wasn't going to talk. He brings me food three times a day, every time making sure to ask if I needed anything else. No response. He would let out a gust of air and turn to walk out the door.

John dying wasn't anyone's fault. He was born with an incurable upper respiratory disease. He went into the hospital once before and the doctors warned us that it would come back, but I didn't know they meant it was deadly. I feel so stupid, how could I have neglected John? I should of been a better mother. Things were going so well for Zach and I. We just got engaged and we were planning on buying our first house. Now I can't even face him.

All of these thought caused me to break down and cry again. When I cried you could hear it through the entire apartment. I didn't hold anything back. My loud sobs must of bothered Zach because he stormed down the hallway and ripped my door open.

"Grace, stop crying and please talk to me. I can't handle this silence any longer." He pleaded.

"Z..Zach I can't do this anymore." I struggled out.

"Can't do what anymore?" His eyes were burning into mine.

I took a deep breath of air. "I don't want to be engaged anymore. Zach I love you and I know you know that, but this is all to much. There is no way we can be together anymore. Every time I look at you, all I see is John. I see him happily playing with his toys, I see him running around the loft with my bra of his head, I see him saying merp." Tears fell down my face.

For some reason I was disappointed when he didn't hug me. I know that I was the one pushing him away, but part of me just wanted him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything will be ok. Everything wasn't ok. John was gone and I was pushing away the person I loved the most.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" He asked calmly.

I bit my lip and nodded my head.

He sighed and stood up. He walked toward the door turning around before he left.

"You know Grace, I really wanted to work through this. I really thought our love would be enough to hold us together. Guess not." He shrugged and closed the door.

What have I done?

- - - -

Day 15 with out John. The funeral was yesterday and I was absolutely miserable. Zach and I haven't talked since the night I told him that I was leaving him. It didn't help that it took 14 days to bury John. Usually when someone dies you bury them within the week. John took longer because the doctors did tests on him to see if his death was caused by abuse. Of course it wasn't caused by abuse and I know that for a fact. They assured me that the test was mandatory because he was only 19 months old.

Everything caused me emotional pain. Cleaning, Eating, Watching a movie, sleeping. I don't do much these days, expect sit in a dark room and cry. Zach has avoided me for the past couple of days and it's killing me inside. I just want to sit in his lap and cry into his chest, but no, I pushed him away. It was me. All my fault, everything was my fault.

Everything was to much, I dropped to my knees and curled into a ball. I overheard yelling above me.

"She can't travel alone!"

"She wants to go, so let her go!"

I identified the second boy as Zach. Who else was in the room? I wanted to get up and look around, but I had no strength left in me. I passed out on the floor.

I woke up to a strange smell and I fluttered my eyes open to find piercing green eyes looking at me.

"Good mor- I mean afternoon." He said while smiling slightly.

"Cameron, what.. what are you doing here and why are we on a plane?