untitled, 2018 | 김유겸

please

i'm not usually the type of person to write some old cheesy diary entry about how fucked up my life is at 2 in the morning. although i do suffer from just directly diving into a deep slumber and shutting myself away from reality, i usually look up to the white ceiling, gripping the sheets as beads of sweat moisten my forehead. thinking about how painful it is to keep it all in and managing to perform a bright act in front of public.

it was never like this. i never realized how hurtful it was to wake up everyday and have your life managed by other people. you're put into schedules you can't escape no matter how much you want to because what us workers in the industry think and say don't matter at all, what viewers think and say matter the most to them.

i never wanted to punch a person so badly when someone commented "as a viewer, it is uncomfortable to see him acting in a certain way." i'm fully aware what i wrote down above wasn't exactly the same with the original comment, but the point is how uncomfortable the said viewer makes me, as if i were a robot machine that was supposed to entertain everyone every fucking second. as if we were all just objects used to entertain them, to be the roles of their romantic partners based on their delusional imaginations.

this is what i signed up for when i decided to join a certain audition that drastically changed my entire life, and anyway, they've always said that i'm supposedly the silly and dumb one in the group, and i can't refuse that they are right.