Letters to Her

Letter Nine

letter nine

i dont know whats wrong with me. i always think of the worst then i actually think thats gonna happen in real life.

im not sure if its some sort of anxiety or disorder but i have it bad. i cant hardly think straight anymore without my brain thinking of the worst possible thing. i will always think that thing will happen even if its near impossible. i dont know if its just my mind or what but its really hard to deal with.

also i just basically found out i have insomnia. Isn't that swell.

i dont know if its bad because its not really painful and it doesn't hurt my but i heard its not healthy and i dont want terrible bags by the time im 16.

whenever you ask if i get mad at you i say no. i dont know if i mean it or not because sometimes i do get a little mad ad. try to avoid you just so you know im mad but then it never works out and i just cant not talk to you. i only get mad because you're hanging out with someone else.

i know how stupid that is, but i just cant do it. if you are hanging out with /her/ i get really mad and i start to think that you like her better than me. i just cant help but think I've been replaced, its happened so many times before that i had just adjusted to it.

i get SO jealous.

its like i have been lied to and left behind so many times, if i see someone talking to you i start to feel like you like them better than me. i feel like that with everyone. i cant stand the thought of loosing you. i cant stand the thought of being left alone. again.

it all happened at my old school, thats why im glad we moved. i hated my old school. they had such a crap education system and real crap students. everyone there was a lie. i had two friends out of 1000. even if i started crying nobody would care. they'd all just stare at me until i stopped. i got left behind a lot. i tried to fit in with the people i liked, but it just didn't work because i wasn't like them. i didn't like them, really.

my 'friends' would always stay behind at lunch and they were the teachers pets and then they got so close that i started to become more of a third wheel type thing than us being three friends. they became really good friends then just left me out. i would ask if i could help at lunch too but they and the teacher both always said no, we have enough.

then suddenly they both just totally leave me for this other girl. they didn't care though. i didn't realize that they didn't like me so i just followed them until i finally figured it out. that was a bad day.

for the whole week they just started avoiding me all together, not even talking to me so i got really sad and alone. but when i would cry about it, they would suddenly be my best friends. it was ridiculous. i bet they were talking about me to each other and their new girlfriend about how much i was a loser or whatever.

thats why i dont trust anyone. and that wasn't the first time that has happened to me. its kind of happening at this moment, my 'best friend' from third grade moved schools and is becoming better friends with them than me and I've been there for her longer and I've always cared and considered her my best friend but she didn't feel the same way about me so i just gave up.

i dont want that to happen to us.

thats why im so jealous. i cant trust anyone. i hate seeing people wih my people bc then i think the worst.

and thats why i want to be more than friends bc i dont want to lose you but if we become a couple and i lose you it will probably be harder than losing you as a friend. i dont want to be broken again.

my mind is messed up. seriously messed up.