Letters to Her

Letter Twelve

Letter Twelve

im not happy with my life.

i dont want to be alive any longer. i cant take it. like why should i be alive? after a year, nobody is gonna remember who i am or what i was or what i lookedl ike or acted like. who cares? its been a year.

im just done. im my only bully, im the only one who puts me down, but i just cant do it.

its taking eveyrthing insideo f me to stay alive.

im tired of pretending to be who im not, im tired of hiding. im tired of being me.

i cant stand the way my life is going. like all those youtubers that say they lovey ou and they would be mad if a fan died but they wouldnt. they dont know i even exist.

i know we started "dating" a week or so ago. i odnt even know what the definition of "dating" is but honestly we have talkeed less since then.

i dont know why were "dating". we are worse than when we were friends and now i feel like ive lost a best friend because we never talk and i dont knw why. i dontwanna say the first word, im just like that.

im sorry if i have been depressing or whatever in our facebook messages, its just that im tired of pretending. im tired of 'being okay'.

I AM NOT OKAY.

i dont want to pretend like everything is going to be okay. its not okay, and i just dont want to be here anymore. i dont think my presense is special and i dont see the need to live.

if no body is gonna go out of their way to talk to me or do anything, they dont even care. so if i died, why would the care? they never cared in the first place.

i dont want to get run over, or fall out of a ride at an amusement park becausei  dont want my blood to be on someone elses hands. i want to do it myself, so that wya no one has to get sued, and no body has to go to jail or anything like that. i want to do it myself.

i cant do it though. i dont want to do it because ofall of my friends that are suicidal that are all hanging on because people are tellign them to stay strong adn stuff. i say that and then i turn around and do this stuff to myself and its not fair.

i also hang on for my family. my parents care so much for me and if i just left them, how pleasent would that be?

i went to the fair yesterday. everyone was forcing me to get on rides. i was shaking so bad. there were so many people. i just wanted to leave, kill myself right there, but i couldnt.

anxiety sucks. it just takes over sometiems. its awful.

much love,

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sorry for so much complaining, i never told you to read the story.

sorry if you think im being over dramatic. try beingin my shoes befroe you talk about me ok?

i dont know when im gonna update. im not going through to spell check either so deal with it.

im done. bye.