The fear in me

Nay

Jason was absolutely guarded today. He didn't want to talk with me about yesterday. But I tried to be as normal as possible. He has to see I don't give up.

Everybody looked at his bruise and I had to listen to any number of versions on why he has a black eye. Nowhere did I take up a position on the question. Only Tanja knows the true story. She again assured me she had told Kay nothing about my feelings for Jason, and I'm very grateful to her. Kay would just tell Tim all about it and that would not be good at the moment.

When I come home from school I set off to see Tim. I want not just to take him his homework but also to use my positive forces to make him healthy again. Actually, he's deserved to be sick, but I too have a guilty conscience because after all I was in love with him for a long time and I too suffered. The way he is now! He has a dumb way of showing he likes me, and if I'm honest Tim has always been a big anarcho-type.

When I ring the doorbell Caroline, Tim's mother opens the door. She looks worried. "Nay, nice to see you. Is that the homework?" I nod.

"I'll give it to him. You can't visit him. We haven't a clue whether it's infectious. The doctor's not coming till five ..." she says, excusing herself.

"Yesterday he vomited in our place and I wiped it away, so if it were infectious I'd have been sick long ago. Don't you think?" I ask.

"You're right. You always seem to affect him like a miracle healer!" she thinks aloud.

"Well then!" I say and look up the stairway.

"Okay!" she laughs, "Come in!"

"Thanks! I'll find my way."

She laughs again. "No doubt ..."

I run up the stairs to Tim's room. I look at the walls with the ice hockey sticks and the cups and a poster of his favourite team, the Detroit Redwings. Then I go to his bed.

Tim's sleeping. He looks chalky pale and is breathing uneasily. I'm shocked. He really is in a very bad way.

I go to him and put my hand on his hot sweaty forehead, and then it happens. His face colour changes. The skin becomes rosy red. I take my hand away and sit down on the edge of the bed and look at him. Now he's breathing peacefully and regularly. It really can't be true, but it's happened again. I don't know exactly what I've done, but I know Tim is getting better. I grin overwhelmed and look at Tim. He's still wonderfully handsome in my eyes. Still, something has changed in recent days. Even now I notice that my love for him is only a pure friendship. I don't want him to be ill. Never. But I no longer want to be one of a pair with him. Maybe it has always been that way, and Jason is the one who shook me awake.

I get up, but suddenly Tim presses my hand and opens his eyes.

"Nay, you're really here!" he smiles. "I heard and smelt you." "Sure, when you're in a bad way I have to take care of you!" I say gently.

"You're a true angel, do you know that? And quite honestly I'm feeling better. A lot better! How do you always do that?"

"Well, a lucky touch, I'd say!"

He looks at me and nods. "Yes, you have that. I can understand why people fall in love with you!"

"Tim, please!"

"I'm sorry I did my block yesterday. When I saw the hands of that idiot on your face, and then your glance and his ... oh man, that just made my blood boil!" he says and sounds quite well again ... I give a loud groan. "I was there. I saw it. But it wasn't right that you hit him. I'm not your possession, Tim!" I explain calmly.

"I know, but I've really been waiting so long for us to go a step further ..." he starts.

"Well, you didn't make that necessarily clear," I interrupt him calmly. "Tim, you were constantly with other girls. And now that I'm caring for someone else, you suddenly do your block. What am I supposed to make of that?"

"I wanted it much earlier. But somehow the other girls were a good distraction. And then, when at last I bestirred myself because Kay said he could not bear my whinging any longer and that I ought to make my feelings clear, you come along with Rockefeller," he says in frustration.

"He's a neighbour ..."

"... that you like a lot," he interrupts me. "I know you, Nay. I see your look, there's more to see than just neighbourly help. You're keen on the fellow and he's putting on a real show and you're falling for it."

"He's not putting on a show. I've seen his file, it's all genuine!" I tell him.

"Oh ... okay, so he has his problems, but he's attracted to you. How he looked at you yesterday ... and then his hands on your face, that was ..." He stops and shakes himself in disgust.

"Tim, you're totally jealous and I find that unfair. I never acted like that when you had girlfriends," I remind him.

"You were never in love with me!" he blurts out.

"That's not true!" I say, but I'm no longer so sure whether it really was love that I felt for him. When I compare my feelings for Tim with those for Jason ... mmm ... Jason has simply swept me off my feet.

"What does that mean? That Kay was right?" Tim pulls me back to reality. "Does that mean you've always been secretly in love with me but that I took no notice of you?"

"You took no notice of me, only of the other girls!" I sigh. "For a long time I was keen on you." Actually until a few days ago, I think. "I lied that time when I said you kiss badly, because you were so arrogant. Believe me, for four years I wanted to cancel that day."

"And now it's not like that?" he asks accusingly.

I give him no answer. Why should I hurt him now?

"Nay, tell me ... is it all over?" he asks again and looks at me sadly.

"I don't know!" I lie.

His face gets brighter again. "Then I'll prove to you that I'm the right one for you."

"Tim ..." I begin.

"Yes, I know, no more punches in Jason's face ... just fair battle!" he says with a laugh.

"Tim, I'm not a trophy to be fought over," I say warning him, but I am happy that's he's faring better.

He shakes his head. "No, you're a lot more than that!" His hands come to my face and tenderly stroke my cheek. "You're my angel! You always have been."

I smile. Those are the words I waited for so long; everything could now be perfect. I would only have to throw myself in his arms and be happy. But I'm not happy. I'm glad he's feeling better and I care for him, but that's all.

We talk a bit more and go through the homework together.

When his mother comes with the doctor into his room she's surprised and relieved. And I am too. I'd always care for Tim, even if I actually have another boyfriend.

Jason, I hope! But Tanja will be the only one to know that for the time being.