The fear in me

Nay

Jason stares at me with huge, terrified eyes while I'm kissing him. He'll not respond to my kiss in full consciousness. I'm just about to draw back in disappointment when I see him close his eyes, point his lips, and then he carefully and gently kisses me, and in relief I close my eyes and give myself to him.

With every minute he changes his tactics and suddenly it feels as though he wants to make up at once for everything he's missed. He's passionate, intoxicated, and desperate as though he's afraid that everything could come to an end again.

"Are you really okay?" he murmurs again and again, and I nod.

I feel his fear deep in me and that gives me a pang. What a horror it must be for him to be always living with the knowledge he could injure someone without really wanting to.

No wonder he has never entrusted himself to anyone. Suddenly his whole conduct makes sense and I feel pain internally that he had to suffer so much. My strongest wish is never to let him go again. But I remind myself that we're only on the parking strip. Not a good place.

"Jason, let's get away from the public, okay?"

He lets me go. Looks at me, and nods. He looks happy. Relieved.

"All right, my parents are at work, yours too ... well, to my place or yours?" I ask him without thinking.

He laughs and it sounds jolly. "Hm, you're rushing into things! I've known you for such a short time! Do you want to assault me?" I go as red as a beetroot and he laughs even louder. It's wonderful to see him like that. Still, it's embarrassing for me to be reminded how I kissed him when he lay in a half-coma.

"Hey, I'm not against that, as long as I get something from it this time ..." he flirts.

"I didn't see you'd taken tablets till very, very, very much later ..." I say quickly.

"Nay, drive on at last! Let's go to my place, okay?"

I nod and start the car. Jason grabs my hand and holds it firmly. I notice that he's observing me.

"What's the matter?" I ask.

"Nothing! It's just that I'm happy! I hope this is not all just a dream. My own picture of you and me is always good for a start and then ..." He shakes himself.

"I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere else. And nothing bad will happen. Promise!"

He grins. "You're so positive. Is that because of your gift?"

I shrug. "Not a clue! Maybe!"

A little later we're in his room and we sit down on the bed. Jason tells me what he has unconsciously suppressed, and how the flood of pictures took him by storm when he observed Tim being sick. While he's talking I softly stroke his back.

"I wish my parents had had a chance," he says bitterly, "but instead they reared a monster!"

"You're not a monster."

"Oh no? I think you'll have a different opinion when I kill a human being ..."

"You mustn't think like that!"

"But that's how I grew up, Nay! I haven't got a good gift that makes other people happy. You're a real darling of fortune. On the other hand I'm the Grim Reaper! We two together ... that's really pure irony!"

"I don't see it that way. I believe we can do everything now that we know about our gifts. And I'm here for you if you let me!"

Jason's eyes turn tender and his hands again come over to mine. "How could I resist your positive energy? You've got me already, you know that. Don't you?"