The fear in me

Nay

At 11.43 p.m. the light at the Sommers' place at last goes out. Tim and I nevertheless wait until 1 a.m. before finally daring to go over. "What'll you say if they catch us?" Tim whispers when we're at the front door.

"No idea. I simply hope they won't catch us. Come on!" I whisper back. Tim sighs and then follows me.

We had an excellent afternoon and it was all really uncomplicated. Tim asked me a whole lot of questions and he admitted to me that he'd always known I'm different ... even extraordinary.

Those words made me blush. I'm glad that despite everything he's helping me. Of course he has no way of imagining how Jason has suffered. How could he? He's always had his hands on some girl or other.

And of course he brought up my greatest fear, namely, whether Jason would have found me wonderful if he'd not had his "gift". What-would-be-if is always hard to judge if you know only the starting situation, so it's quite idiotic to ask that question. I love Jason and what might have been doesn't matter to me! It must not matter to me. After all, I don't want to drive myself mad.

Still, Tim has awoken fear deep in me, the fear of loss. Oh yes, I am afraid I'll never see Jason again. I think I couldn't bear that. And if he turned me away I wouldn't know what to do. But I simply must not let myself think about that.

Tim's told me how to find an address if you know the IP. He was dauntingly businesslike. "The abbreviation IP stands for internet protocol," he explained to me first. "By the IP address a number is indicated that clearly identifies a computer in the internet. That number has a length of 32 bits. To avoid having always having to write 32 zeros and ones there is a 'DDN' which presents the IP address in decimal form, and the four bytes that are shown separated by dots."

I looked at him while he was telling me something in a language I don't understand, and he laughed. "It's easy once you know what you have to look for ... You said that doctor posted in the internet, didn't you? That always leaves behind traces.

"You know, an IP address always consists of two parts: the network part and the host part. The network part gives a crude description where a computer is to be found. The network part can be compared approximately with the postal zip code and the name of a city. The host part then goes into detail and is comparable with the street and house number."

He looks at me in triumph and I mutter, "The main thing is that you know what to do."

I give a soft sigh when I remember that. We're now in Sommers' house and going up the stairway to Jason's room. Quietly I open the door and let Tim in before carefully closing it again. Tim looks about with curiosity.

"Musical, is he?" he growls, and looks further at the room, then he goes to the desk where Jason's computer is. "I hope you know his password if he has one! Otherwise this can last an eternity ..."

"There's no password, I'm a hundred percent sure!"

Tim sits down at the desk and pushes down on the computer. "It wasn't turned off at all! It was on standby mode," he says.

"Good, so let's get down to it! Go to the e-mail box ..."

"Jason left the house so lightning fast that he hadn't even the time, it seems, to turn off the computer," Tim whispers.

I nod sadly and have to turn away so Tim won't see the tears welling in my eyes. When I turn away my glance falls on Jason's bedside table. His diary is there. Why did he leave it here? A diary is sacrosanct, isn't it? Unless he knows he's not coming back and left it there as a farewell. My heart cramps tight and now tears are pouring down my cheeks. What is his intention? I know I really have no right to read Jason's thoughts, but I suddenly have the feeling he left his diary behind for me. I hope it wasn't for the reason I'm thinking ... I don't want a farewell forever. It's only a temporary one; I'll see him again. Whatever it takes!