The fear in me

Nay

The very next morning Sam surprises us with the news that he's got the address. He tells us it's rather a long way off and that we won't get there in one day. He promises to find an excuse to tell our parents so they won't miss us in the days of our absence. That's really good. I'm glad Sam will go with us. Tim will come too. Since he's known what I can do he's more awestruck toward me. Sometimes it's almost too much for me. I don't want him to look on me as some sort of goddess. But I have the feeling that's exactly how he's thinking.

With Jason it's all much simpler. He looks on me as on a par with him. Even before he knew about my gift he couldn't stay away from me, that's what he told me himself. Jason is awesomely honest and forthright and has quite a few times caused me to blush. But I'm also glad he always spoke in clear language to me. Even when he pushed me away it was only to protect me, and in fact he's never lied.

Tim on the other hand needed an eternity to do anything at all and to be honest to me and to himself. Who can tell me he really loves me and not just my gift?

When I put together our conversations it always becomes very clear that he loves me because I'm his personal guardian angel. That's the typical hero's syndrome, is it? And in retrospect I've never had witty, emotional conversations with Tim. Quite honestly, he never really wanted to know what I was feeling.

But Jason asked me about my deepest secrets and fears and I willingly told him. For the added reason that I was totally certain he'd never tell others about it because he was in some sort of nasty mood. Quite different from Tim. He has often hurt me because he thought that he had to act nastily.

I remember well the time after our kissing debacle when he tittle-tattled to Dina that I judge her breasts too big for her compact body. I didn't say that to him because I wanted to badmouth Dina, but because I was worried that she could later have problems with her back. But he presented it in a totally different way, and when Dina came to me and said pityingly: "I'm so sorry God forgot your titties, but you don't have to be jealous of mine," I was quite shocked.

Tim dismissed it as ridiculous when I brought up the subject, and he said he could say whatever he liked to his girlfriend. That was when he was still angry with me because of the stupid kissing. Not until much later did he apologise and say that it just slipped out of him because he really didn't know what he could talk about with Dina.

And suddenly many trivialities occur to me that slipped out of him like that. But I was always too blind to see them. Maybe the real cause is that I've known Tim all my life. I found excuses for him time after time, why he said that and did this. Strange that I recognise that only now.

Sam rings shortly after lunch. His diversionary tale is that he'd like to go with us to a rock festival that will last three days. He has to work there and has received a few free tickets that he's given us. My parents are positively surprised when Sam explains to them in the afternoon of the same day that he'll take Tim and me under his wings, and will discuss everything else with them in a tête-à-tête. In plain language: I'll speak to your parents alone!

I'm waiting nervously in my room. What if my parents are against the idea? I've never spent the night somewhere else. And both of my parents are a bit over-cautious where I'm concerned. And now we're talking about several days ... Hm, of course I could bang the drum about my legal age if they say no ...

But to my surprise my parents give their consent without much ado. Sam also convinced them we have to set off in the evening to get a good hotel.

Finally Tim and I are sitting in Sam's night blue Audi A6.

My parents and Tim's are standing and happily waving on our driveway. No sceptical looks and no distrustful gestures ... remarkable!

"What's up, Nay? Was it too easy?" Sam asks, and I see his grin in the rear vision mirror. I'm sitting in the back. Of course. Tim wouldn't even give consideration to whether somebody else would like to sit at the front.

"You must have put on a good show. I wouldn't have let my children go," I say, still annoyed by Tim's selfish behaviour.

"What do you mean ...?" asks Sam, irritated.

"Hello! Working in a civilian car? In that case I'd make a hundred inquiries and not just wave with a grin ..."

"Wow, what's bugging you?" Tim throws in.

As an answer I just snort and look angrily at the back of his head. "Well, they seem to like me and trust me, that makes things a lot easier," Sam laughs.

"Spot on!" Tim confirms him.

As a reply he gets another snort. Can anyone explain to me why I've taken Tim along at all? He's so selfish and doesn't even notice it. And he's helped me only because he thought Jason has left me in the lurch. And he's incapable of empathy with others. He always just listens to rumours and then passes them on even though he doesn't know if they're true or not. That doesn't interest him at all. And now he knows about Jason and me and I don't know whether that wasn't a mistake. What say he gets angry again and betrays both of us? And I mustn't forget what Jason will think when he sees me with Tim. But without Tim I'd never have known where I can find Jason, so it wasn't possible any other way. And Tim wouldn't be so mean as to betray us, would he? What say Jason is not at all pleased that I've revealed his secret? Oh man, I'm no better than Tim!

"Jason can be glad he's got such a wonderful girlfriend who's worried about him," I hear Sam say while I'm thinking.

"Do you think so?" I ask uncertainly.

"Sure! Who would go to all this trouble just to get him out of danger? I find that remarkable," Sam praises me.

"Without you I wouldn't even know where he is!" I remind him.

"Yes, and that brings me to our agreement. You wanted to tell me a bit more about the whole situation ..."

Oh, great! This way I'm becoming a real gasbag, I can straight off tell the whole world about it. Jason is the bringer of death and I'm the life giver ... wow!

"I can see by your face that you're on uncertain ground, but I won't judge you, no matter what you confess to me."

Well, we'll soon see about that, I think. And then I report to Sam on Jason's and my secret. He takes it in quite calmly and so I'm surprised by his first question.

"So you're a couple ... you and Jason? And you can actually touch each other for a long time without your getting sick?"

"Sure, we're in a relationship. What did you think we are? Why do you think I'm searching for Jason?"

"I thought you and Tim ..."

"Would be great," Tim puts in.

"Tim and I are friends ... good friends. Aren't we, Tim? The sorts of friends who never betray each other and always support each other, aren't we?" I add.

Tim looks annoyed. "Ah ... yes!" he says at last.

"Okay, I'm confused!" Sam remarks. "I always thought you two were a pair and somehow I thought that now we're helping someone who's just a friend of yours. So let me get this straight. You love Jason? And he loves you?"

"Yes!"

"Wow! Well, that is interesting"" he mutters.

Now I'm confused. What's got into him? Why is he so surprised I'm in a relationship with Jason? I mean, I don't even know him. We travel on in silence for a few minutes, and then Tim asks, "Exactly where are we going to?"

"I've written down the address ... here." Sam pulls out a slip of paper and shows it to Tim.

"Don't you need a satnav?" Tim wants to know.

Sam shakes his head. "No, I've got good orientation! But I think we should be in a hotel by midnight at the latest. I'm tired and we're driving a rather long way. On top of that, in a hotel we can discuss what we'll do next, and I want to know more, but first I have to digest this, okay?" Tim and I agree to that. I mean to say, all of this is hard to understand, isn't it?

Then we drive on in silence ...