little blue flowers

ladybugs rest on my eyelids

he was riddled with freckles but
three lined up on his jaw in a straight,
unsettling constellation
almost forgotten in the summer
by the warmth he gained from
sunlight and smoky campfires
it made boys with wicked minds blush
and girls hide their faces as they smiled
but the boy didn't really care
they were just birthmarks after all.

a friend of mine stayed with me
that long, long year
and saw this beautiful boy with the marks
laughed her way into another
few months with me
and stayed to witness
him not witness her
she would pout and groan about it as
i took up my daisy gardening gloves
and didn't bother to soak in her thoughts.

it didn't matter that he was leaving in a few weeks for uni in toronto
didn't matter that he didn't matter
but constellations catch us all by the necks and whisper sweet nothings to widen our eyes or glaze them over
i guess.

"you have a ladybug on your shoulder."

it was the first thing he said to me
after flicking the little red dot off and smiling a thousand-watt smile
(we'd been at camp together before in separate activities, but it was different this time.)
we talked and he eventually left to canoe
and my friend finally found interest
in my sentences
but they all began with his name.

"he's nice, i suppose you could say,"
i'd told her in the comfort of our cabin
(she'd never been to camp before but her parents wouldn't pay.) (rich aunt.)
she'd only huffed and sprinted off
in search of a ladybug or three
and i remember laughing then
but i'm not sure what at.
maybe my torn gardening gloves
sitting on the coffee table.

"ladybug girl," he'd said that second time, "where are you off to?"

"the flowerbeds need watering," i'd replied
almost bored
and kept up walking
watering can in hand
song humming through my fingers.

he walked and hummed along with me
much louder and far off tune
but pretty enough that the birds listened
and when we neared the well
i didn't feel quite so lonely.

"i've seen you before; you come here every year, yeah?"

"yeah."

"why the blue-bound book?"
he pointed at my blank notebook
sticking out of my cargo shorts
with a raised brow
it did look kinda strange.

"for whenever i need it," i'd said
and lovingly patted its smooth leather
whenever the Dark slips in
unannounced and unwelcome
it's good to have a place to shackle it
down.

another smile. his freckled face crinkling like delicate gift paper. hand reaching for mine. birds singing again above us in the trees.

"see you around."

ladybug girl
ladybug girl

i left with a knot piling in my chest
and tucked my knees to it once
i reached my hard cabin bed
it's not as great as the one back home
but it feels nice when you want to give out and give in.

ladybug girl

he did leave for uni after
from what i hear he's doing just fine
with the big move and new city
and my friend still mourns his not-death
sobbing over the memory of that constellation lovingly
dancing across his jaw.

when i saw him last he called out to me
apologized for being forward
and i told him it's all right
i hope he didn't see the blush in my eyes
burning up my eyelids
i really hope he didn't see that.

but i hope you're well, thomas,
wherever you are in the sky
with those freckles making up
everything there is
and
all there ever should be.

ladybugs rest on my eyelids
and someday another someone
will take the time to notice
each little red dot
fluttering
like these
restless
blue
notebook pages.