little blue flowers

love letter from the grave

when there's a moment you're free
of her and them and everything
hit me up babe
i've got lilacs on the brain
and a case we can investigate together
like the old days.

do you still remember those?

we'd sing in C
and i'd pull on your hair-
you were trying to grow it out that year-
and i'd pack us sandwiches and pears
for the stakeouts
and patch up your busted lip
when davis from down the street
found a reason to hit you.
(you were always giving him reasons.)

then i'd steal the laces from your
doc martens
and tear the stubborn stars from the sky
to string them on one by one
(the glow hurt my eyes after awhile
but i'd string a thousand
just to see you now)
and you'd tie the line between us
linking our lives in starlight
and say something like,

"this is what holds us.
i'm always here
even in the dark
just call my name
and give it a tug
and i'll tug right back."

do you still wear them?
the doc martens, i mean.

can you still see the glow sometimes?

i can still feel you
if i think real hard.
i can smell the lilacs.
i can smell death.
i can smell the spearmint gum
on your breath.
i can taste it, too.

but . . .
if you have a spare minute
just-look up.
i'm there now.
there's not much going on here.
just clouds and sky
and the others are kind,
but not so interesting
and if i want a beer or new lipstick
i get dirty glares.

it's not so great.
there's no real cases-
i . . . i was lying before.

but i hope this reaches you.
it's kind of silly to write a letter
after so long,
but the stone in my chest
keeps sinking
into the memory
of what we had
in life
in death
i'm undefined
and i cannot tell
if it's much to prefer.

babe-dearest-kind heart . . . no.
no.
no.
i am still . . . alive
and i cannot tell you
how much death is festering in my bones
how much life is leached
broken
decaying on and on
like this is a goddamn curse
tell the man in the sky
if you ever meet him
that i demand my ticket back home
i refuse to write you such a sad,
nothing letter.

tell her and them and everything
how much you loved me
and i'll pick up a pack of gum for you
on my way back
i'll buy the bread
and the peanut butter
and the raspberry jam
and the green-skinned pears
from the bored angel at the drug store
i'll bring some gauze and hydrogen peroxide and drive to davis' house
to give him a busted lip
and drive to yours to patch you up
i'll steal your doc martens
from the closet
where they're hidden deep in the back
and take the laces
and bind our wrists
kiss the inside of yours
and make a promise
to tug
and tug
and pull
and breathe
and smell
this life
we get to live twice.

but only if you tug back.