little blue flowers

to the dead motherf*cker reading this

while you were away
my calluses disappeared from my hands
and i began winning again at the tables
i met a guy working in retail
with an ass similar to yours
and met my best friend on the ledge
of a decrepit catholic church.

while you were away
i took the pregnancy test you gave me
during our last week together
and it turned up positive
i'm due in three months now
my mother came by the other day
and scolded me for being so desperate
to hold onto this last real piece of you.

while you were away
i got angry and picked up your shit-
domestic things still laying around-
and threw it all out
my sister got clean
and signed up for classes next fall
she'll be majoring in english
can you believe that?
wants to be a writer like you were
but i told her not to end up like you
if she wants to see her niece grow up.

while you were away
i screamed and lied my way through
relationship after relationship
my mother skipped town (figures)
my best friend woke up in a hospital
after a night-in with depression
my guy in retail said he loved me
and i haven't called him back since
i started losing more and more
not just at the tables but from you
there's no ounce of you left
except for this baby
i can't smell your scent
in the house anymore
your closet's empty-
i wish i hadn't thrown all of your shit out
i don't feel your warmth next to me
your stupid quips
breathy laugh
battle scars
eyes
you.

while you've been away
the space you filled has slipped
from my callused hands
and i can't get it back.

come back to me.