Flawsome ✔

Chapter 17 - Negative self-image

Tuesday, December 13th, 2016

I'm curled up beside Calo, who is asleep in my bed while I can't sleep because my stomach hurts due to the bruises. Mom was furious about what happened, and since Calo and Lorenzo agreed to watch me, her and dad - the latter came home from work as soon as mom told him what had happened - went to school to talk to the principal, yet again.

Lorenzo every so often checks in on me ever since Calo fell asleep, dived into his sweater as if shielding himself from the world.

Eventually, I give up on sleeping, heading downstairs to get myself a drink, some food and to see if mom and dad are back yet.

I find Lorenzo in the kitchen, bend over a couple of school books.

He looks up as soon as I hop into the kitchen.

"Hey, something wrong?"

"Can't sleep..." I shrug with one shoulder. "My body hurts too much."

He nods and the look in his eyes tells me he wishes he could do anything to ease the pain.

"And I'm afraid I'd wake up Calo with my twisting and turning to find a better position."

"If him sleeping in you bed bothers you, we should tell him to sleep in the couch until we're going home."

"No, no!" I shake my head carefully, "him sleeping doesn't bother me. He needs some rest, I think."

"He does. But you do too."

I shrug again, grabbing a drink myself, sitting down slowly, across from him. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Why is Calo depressed? I mean, what triggered it?"

"I don't know if I'm the right person to tell you. I can tell you that Calo has always been struggling to be happy and I don't think something really triggered it. The first time they diagnosed him being depressed, he was only 12 years old."

"Does it..." I don't even know if I can ask my question, which is if it has anything to do with his sexuality, since I don't know if Lorenzo knows. "Do you know why he was bullied?"

Lorenzo looks at me for a while, before he nods, his whole demeanour a sad one. "I do, and Seino knows too. We're the only two at home who know what exactly happened. It's not up to us to tell anyone."

"I know too. Well, not what happened. But I know... about his..."

"Sexuality." Lorenzo fills in the blank. "It's part of the reason he is depressed, Neo. Calo doesn't like himself, or his sexuality. He hates it. He hates himself. And on good days, it doesn't show. But on bad days, it's evidently there."

"But why don't your parents know about it? It caused him to try to take his own life."

"Calo never explained. Not even to Seino or me. We just linked certain events together and Calo didn't deny. But he refuses to tell. In all honesty, Calo doesn't have a good relationship with our parents and he simply refuses to tell them anything."

"But... they love him, don't they?"

"We all do. But if you do not like yourself, it's hard to believe others do like you. And then there's the fact Calo does not like dad. I don't think he hates him, but he doesn't like him either."

"And why is that?"

"Dad is one of the best psychiatrists, mostly for compulsive disorders, but for body dysmorphia and bipolar disorders too. Calo wanted dad to treat him, but dad declined. Said he was too emotionally involved with him to treat him. It's not even allowed as they're father and son. But even at home, dad refuses to use his knowledge to help Calo. Calo hates the fact dad refused and ever since, they're like fire and ice. They do not go together."