Flawsome ✔

Chapter 29 - Progress

Monday, March 20th, 2017

Calo and I have had a rough month, in which I constantly had to remind him that I love him because he is great, not because he pays me attention.

Last Friday, we had another fight and I refused to meet with him over the weekend, to consumed by reaching my goals for the month; getting rid of at least one compulsion.

It took all of my time and energy to stop skipping the first and last steps of the stairs, and after two slight break-downs, I was able to step on them only slightly anxious.

Then, the waiting game had started for anything to happen to dad, but it didn't.

So, by the end of Saturday, I repeatedly walked up and down the stairs without skipping any steps, until I was sure it was stuck in my mind that the world wouldn't stop turning because of it.

It might be unconventional to use this method, but simply talking about my compulsions, or trying to get a different mind-set to each of them isn't working out for me.

Forcing myself to face reality, however, is.

It's mostly because of Carson that I got as far as I got so far. Since he started teaching me about OCD and showing me results of endless of research, I felt a bit better about myself.

I simply can't help everything. Bits and pieces, yes. But my brain is simply different from those of others and for that part, it is not in my power to change. Compulsions will always be part of my life, but those I have because of fear, I can change. I don't think I'll ever be able to not order things by colours or sizes. I just feel the need to do so.

I will probably always skip lines and cracks in between tiles, but I shouldn't have to freak out as bad as I currently do.

I will be fine with my compulsions once they will feel like a second nature to me, and not as if they're controlling me.

I don't want them to control me, and Carson has shown me enough proof they don't need to be controlling either.

But that got me to realise I don't want to be controlled by anything. For once in my life, I want to feel free as a bird, without restrictions because of any compulsions, or the need to keep others safe.

Or satisfy a certain someone.

No matter how badly I know Calo is simply really insecure because he doesn't like himself, I feel as if his insecurities and his need for me to prove I like him again and again are now controlling me.

It makes me talk different, act different, all to please him and prevent him from feeling insecure.

But all the more insecure do I feel about myself and about my relationship with Calo.

And I'm really done with feeling insecure. In the past few months I've proven multiple things to myself and others that I previously thought I wasn't capable of.

I made friends of my own, I stood up for myself, and I even opened up to love while I previously rather kept to myself.

I'm starting to get a grip on my compulsions, or at least the anxious feelings behind them, and I've been working on joining P.E. and trying to find a museum – as requested by our Arts teacher Mrs. Gabriel – that I can go to along with the rest of the students.

I've given her two options and a demand that my mother would be allowed to supervise, in case I freak out anyway.

I've conquered my bullies, I stood up for myself and I even beat the shit out of Luke.

But now that I'm taking all these steps, I think what's bothering me most these days, is the ongoing discussions with Calo.

About me being too busy some days of the week with all sorts of stuff – including visiting Milan during the weekends, seeing Dr. Delgado, taking pictures all around the country and meeting with Carson, Angela or Prayaav, the latter quickly becoming a good friend too.