suicide hotline / phan

1

TRIGGER WARNING! THIS STORY WILL CONTAIN STUFF RELATING TO DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND STUFF REGARDING THOSE TOPICS! IF ANY OF THESE ARE TRIGGERS OF YOURS, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS! Note: if you still decide to read, please be careful x

Dan's had enough. His world is a spiralling mess of depression, drugs and whatever else shit he has to deal with. He's been diagnosed with lots of things, all things he's not sure if he even has or if they've got it wrong. He doesn't seem to fit in any category anymore. Socially at first, and now phsically too, apparently. One last smoke he promises himeself. Only one more, and then you won't have to rely on it anymore. You'll be gone, no more pain and no more suffering. He exhales, watching the smoke fade away. He mentally says goodbye to the feeling he gets when the nicotine runs through his blood, discarding of his cigarrette and taking a deep breath. It's time. Finally. His stomach growls as he hasn't eaten a thing all day and it's sunset, the sky a beautiful swirl of soft pinks and oranges. Dan's favourite time of the day, and the last time that he'll ever see. He walks back through his front door, feeling no sadness or anxiety- he feels nothing. He gently closes the door behind him. He isn't angry or irritable as he is a lot of the time nowadays, he just feels so empty. The house is silent; nobody is home except him. He wonders how his parents will react when they find him hanging lifeless from his bedroom ceiling fan, but then again they probably won't care- they despise him anyway. In fact, they'll probably see Dan's death as a blessing. It's just better for everyone, Dan has to leave this awful world. He climbs the stairs quietly and takes off his jacket, hanging it on the back of his bedroom door. He's already put the chair into place, all he has to do now is tie the rope. He works at a steady pace, not wanting to end his life too quickly, but also not wanting to leave it so long that the nicotine wears off, bringing back the familiar pain for him to die bearing. He puts the rope around his neck, climbing onto the chair and taking a deep breath. He's been wanting this moment to come for almost a year now, and now that it's here he wants to make the most of it. He's opened the curtains just a crack so that he can see the beautiful sky, and as he stares at it he takes a deep breath, a tear rolling down his cheek. What most people forget is that he never wanted it to end this way, if he could've chosen any other path then he would've leapt into it without thinking, but this was what the world had decided to serve to him, and he had to take it as it came. He didn't want to die, he really didn't, but now this was his only choice and he had to make it. He takes his last breath, preparing his body to jump. And just as he begins to step off of the edge, he thinks of something- a suicide hotline. As much as he absoloutely just wants to jump off the edge, as much as he wants to end this here and now, he also knows that it would be almost disrespectful to not take his one last chance. He knows full well that he'll put the phone down and jump, however he knows that if he can do one last thing right, it would be to make the call. He takes his phone from his pocket, leaving the rope around his neck, and googles the number he needs, calling it.

"Hello?" A calm, slightly husky male voice answers.

"Hello" Dan says, quietly.

"Hey" The man repeats. "Could you please tell me your name and location?"

"My name is Dan Howell" Dan replies, still staring straight ahead. "And I'm at home"

"Where's your home, Dan?" The man asks, his voice appealing to Dan and almost calming him as much as the cigarettes.

He thinks for a second whether he should give his location. He knows that if he says too much, they'll come after him, and that's the last thing he wants. However he also knows that he's already got the rope around his neck, he's ready to jump the second the phone is put down.

"32 Downsford Road" He mumbles.

"Okay, thank you" The man smiles weakly. "What're you doing right now?"

"I'm standing on a chair with a rope around my neck" Dan says, bluntly, and hears the man swallow in what seems like fear, and a hint of sadness. His tone changes, now more sad.

"Dan, please get off of the chair" The man almost whispers.

"I'll jump off of the chair" Dan says, biting back a laugh but feeling a tear leak from his eye.

"I know you don't want to do this, Dan" The man says. "You called us for a reason. You want help, I'm here to give it to you. Please listen"

Dan takes a deep breath, and gently removes the rope from his neck, stepping down from the chair.

"I did it" He says. "I got off of the chair"

"Thank God" The man sighs. "How old are you?"

"I'm eighteen" Dan says weakly, his mind collapsing at the fact that he just got down from the chair. He was so close, and now he's farther away.

"Okay" The man says. "Do you think that you're safe where you are?"

"I don't want to be safe" Dan quickly says before he can stop himself. "I can't do this! I just want to go, please. I don't even know why I called, there's no point"

He starts crying, tears streaming down his face.

"Hey, Dan, it's okay" He says, and it's clear that he's trying not to cry. "Just please leave that room and go somewhere you're less likely to hurt yourself"

"But why?" Dan begins to sob. "I don't want to survive, I don't want to be alive anymore! Don't you understand?! I just want to fucking die! Why can't I do that?! Please tell me why I can't do it!"

"Dan, if you really wanted to die you wouldn't be on the hotline" He sniffs. "You just need to get out of there so that you don't do anything"

"What's your name?" Dan asks, just wanting to know one thing before he hangs up. After all, he's scared that if he stays on any longer he'll change his mind, and he'll have to live out more agonising days.

"Phil" Phil replies after a long pause. "And please promise me that you won't kill yourself"

"I don't make promises that I'm not going to keep" Dan chokes. "I need to go"

"No" Phil states. "Dan, don't go! Please stay on the line with me"

"No" Dan says back to him. "I have to, I'm sorry Phil"

"Then I'm sending someone there" Phil says.

"No! I don't want you to, please. They'll send me to a mental hospital and it'll just make things worse" Dan pleads. "If anyone comes then it's you- you personally"

"I can't do th-" Phil begins, but Dan cuts him off.

"Yes you can. You can do what you like" Dan says, pleading that he can convince him.

There's a long pause.

"Would you like me to come?" Phil says quietly.

"If it means you won't send them" Dan replies, desperate; the last thing he wants is to end up in a mental ward.

"Please promise me you won't do anything" Phil says shakily.

"I don't make promises" Dan said, and with that he hung up.