Give Me A Better Cause To Lead

11. Cigarette Burns

Frank told Gerard what had happened between him and his mother the next day when Gerard came through Frank's window. He was upset still, Frank had been crying again. The two boys laid on the bed once more. They heard Linda and Donna in the other room.

"Do you know why I called you over?" Linda asked.

"No, I don't actually. Is something wrong?" Donna asked. Gerard realized she really didn't.

"Friday night, your sons friends were over. My son was there as well. Were you aware that they were drinking and smoking marijuana?" Linda told her.

"Yes I am very well aware of this." Donna replied. "Is there something wrong about it?"

"Were you aware that your eldest boy is a Fagget and kissed my son?" Linda snapped.

"If you talk about my children wrongly, especially like that I will dislike you." Donna warned.

"Keep your sons and their vile disgusting-ness away from my Frankie." Linda said her voice was raised.

"It doesn't matter what their sexual orientation is, it is their life and not ours. You have no right to talk about Gerard like that. They are all teenagers, let them have their fun." Donna said. And with that, there was a slam of a door.

A long silence passed. Frank looked at Gerard and Gerard looked at Frank. They worn the same expression, a expression of anger and sadness. "Did she really ban you from me?" Gerard asked.

"And everyone else." Frank whispered.

"Well fuck." Gerard muttered. Frank nodded his head and it hung low.

__________________________________

The next day it was at school, Gerard sat in the bathroom on a windowsill. He was the only one in there. He managed to crack open the window and tuck a bit of hair behind his ear. He pulled out a pack of Marlboro Reds and lit it with the black Jack Skellington lighter in his other pocket.

He wanted to be alone. He couldn't talk to Frank at all, there were teachers at every corner watching Frank mope through the hallways. They had only managed to share a single sympathetic glance.

He leaned his head against the window and placed a cigarette between his lips near the corner of his mouth. Bert burst into the bathroom.

"Gee! Bloody hell, man! I thought I'd never find you!" Bert exclaimed. Gerard looked at him with a cold expression. "What's up bro?" Bert asked sitting across from him. He reached out with a gloved hand for Gee's cigarette and happily was handed it.

"Nothing." Gerard said glumly.

"You haven't said a thing all day. Even Mikey's worried." Bert pointed out.

"I just..I dunno." Gerard breathed, he took the cigarette back and took a drag letting it rest between his lips. The smoke poured from his nose like a waterfall.

"You better not have been burning yourself." Bert warned.

"No, I haven't. Now that you mention it, I want to." Gerard said quietly.

"Why? Whats wrong, Gee?" Bert asked leaning forward. Gerard looked at him with bloodshot eyes. "Frank was right, stop drinking." Bert said darkly.

"Get out." Gerard mumbled.

"What?" Bert asked with raised eyebrows.

"Get. Out." Gerard snapped.

"Gerard...no. what the hell is going on?" Bert asked crossing his arms.

"Fine, then watch me bleed." Gerard growled.

"Did you forget your fucking medication again, Gerard? Talk to me bro, what's going on?" Bert asked angrily. Gerard ignored him and pulled up his sleeve on his hoodie. He took one last drag until the embers on the end were glowing orange and took the cigarette from his lips. He pressed the burning end onto his arm, into his skin. It was hot. It was burning his skin.

"Stop being a suicidal fucktard, Gerard!" Bert said loudly. The acrid scent of burning fleshed filled the room. Bert turned a hit green and hopped off the sill and flipped Gerard off and walked out if the room.

Gerard clenched his fist tightly as a thin stream of blood came from his arm. He took the cigarette from his arm and placed it once more between his lips. He took the last few drags and tossed it out the window. He got up and walked to the sink turning on cold water. He ran his arm under it getting bits of the ashes out of his new wound.

He had to admit to himself that he wanted more pain. He reached in his pocket once more. Pulling out a silver razor with scarlet specks along the blade. He wanted it. He wanted Frank. He pulled the blade quickly across old scars and the flesh split open. The razor was new and sharp. A fine instrument for his skin.

Gerard made a few more lines until the red liquid was spilling down into the sink. He let out a sigh of relief and out the blade away. Blood was pooling near the drain.

"Gee, Bert asked me to check on you." Mikey's voice sounded. Gerard froze. "Are you-what the hell Gee?!" Mikey squeaked. He ran over to Gerard and gripped his arm below the cuts and looked at the bleeding and glossy wounds.

"Mikes', I'm fine." Gerard said quietly, almost as if he was just mouthing the words.

"Obviously you're not!" Mikey squeaked

"Just...go away." Gerard breathed.

"No, you're my brother Gee. I have to help you." Mikey said.

"Why?" Gerard asked through grit teeth. He clenched his fist and the skin stretched pulling the split wounds more apart.

"Because I love you, that's why." Mikey replied, he ran Gerard's arm under the water washing all the blood out. Leaving the wounds an ectoplasmic gooey appearance. "Mom told me about what Linda did." Mikey whispered. "I know you like Frank. And basically he's banned from all of us." Mikey whispered. Gerard looked at his brother. "But you don't have to hurt yourself over it." Mikey told him.

"It doesn't matter, Mikey. I'm fine." Gerard said darkly. Mikey wrapped his arms around his older brother.

"You can't keep using that excuse. Its the biggest lie you own." Mikey said hugging him tightly. Gerard didn't know what to do. He hugged Mikey lightly. When Mikey pulled away he pulled a orange plastic white lidded bottle out of his pocket and handed it to Gerard. The pills inside rattled. "You didn't take them this morning. You should now before you regret something." Mikey said.

"Thanks MikeyWikey." Gerard mumbled as he pulled two pills of Xanax out of the orange bottle. He dipped his face by the faucet of the sink and let water rush into his mouth, he then swallowed the pills and turned the faucet off.

"You can talk to Frankie tonight, can't you?" Mikey asked as Gerard handed the bottle back to him.

"Yeah..but he has to avoid me at school. It makes me feel upset." Gerard mumbled.

"Stay the night at his place. I will cover for you." Mikey said breaking his poker face. Gerard nodded and rolled his sleeve down covering the slices and cigarette burns.

He hugged Mikey tightly. What would he do without Mikey as his little brother? Really, he didn't know that answer.