Padmé Amidala - her perspective

Chapter 13 - the truth

I went back home and changed into nightwear, as if that would rush the end of this day and the end of this catastrophy.

The first thing to hit me was the fact that I was practically out of work. All I had done in my life was fight for democracy in any way I knew how to, but now, our society deemed that purpose... purposeless. My job was ultimately showing up and agreeing. I reluctantly imagined going to work the next day, and the next, and the next... And my throat closed up at the thought. Something grew at the back of my neck and breathing suddenly took a lot more effort.

The next thing to hit me was how similar my faith was to Mina Bonterri's. In some way, we had been fighting on the same side all along - desperately trying to get people to reason and negotiate. My stomach twisted at the memory of how receiving the news of her death. She had been executed for it and now I feared I was in for the same fate. As my stomach turned at the thought I was reminded of what lived and grew inside of me. My baby, the most precious thing might be in danger because of me. I tried to breathe through the nausea but was unable to.

The third thing to hit me was a wave of guilt that seemed to nock me over. My legs started to shake and the palms of my hand dampened. I was the one to have presented Palpatine as a candidate for the position as Chancellor, I was the one who had left the Senate when it was about to vote in favour for an army and emergency powers to him. Not only had I failed to see him for what he really was, I had actively strengthened his position. The faces of the people living in this galaxy flashed before my eyes, each one contributing to the growing weight in my chest.

My body failed me and I fell down to the floor, gasping for air. My robe stuck to the sweat on my back, the sensation making me wince. I wanted to escape, wanted to be rid of the weight, the dampness, the nausea, the uncomfortable feeling of my heart galloping in my chest but there was nowhere to go.

For the first time in my life my body collapsed due to a panic attack.

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After a while I was able to get ahold of my breath enough to stop the trembling and sit up. I slowly lifted my hand and placed it on my belly, instinctively checking my baby in the most primitive way. As the anxiety subsided I was able to focus on the other thing inside of me, the more permanent one - my little one. I still carried it with me and therefore I still had something to fight for. My family. Anakin.

I curled up underneath the duvet and tried to escape the crushing feeling of deprived of my sole function and calling by directing my thoughts to what was still real, what was still important. But I still couldn't shake the feeling of letting the entire galaxy down.

Because I had been able to see the truth about Dooku before anyone else and because I had been able to see the solution to the conflict on Naboo I had never had any reason to question my judgment - but this had all happened right before my eyes. If I wasn't able to rely on my intuition, if I had been unable to see this coming, how could I trust myself? What was I supposed to believe in? What did Anakin believe in? What was his place in all of this? Was I failing to see a rising threat towards him as well? Or perhaps from him?

No. I had to keep faith in his ability to look out for himself and see things for what they were. Anakin was the only thing I had left which was still graspable, which I could still depend on and believe in. He valued us as a team as much as I did and I would use that to keep him safe. I had failed to save the Republic with compassion but I would not fail to save him.

I wondered how everything would fall into place now. I could guess how some people would position themselves, the leaders for the Two Thousand Petition for example would definitely not give in to Palpatine's oppression. But what about Ackbar and Tarkin? What about the Separatists?