Padmé Amidala - her perspective

Chapter 1 - alive or not

I couldn't sit still anymore so I got up and began to pace back and forth, following the patterns on the floor. My anxiety felt like a thick cloud over my head, all the rumours swirled round and round inside my brain. One rumour in particular seemed to drive me crazy. One persistent thought was about whether Anakin was still alive or not. All I knew was that when the flagship of the Separatists was boarded by the clones, lots of our troops had fallen in the combat and the flagship itself was said to be damaged while our troops were still on it. Who actually survived remained unclear. Not knowing... It was killing me.

I went out on to the landing pad and cast an anxious glance at the sky in hope of catching even a glimpse of what went on up there. But of course, I saw nothing but the ordinary sight of grey, thick clouds that only the tallest towers of the city reached through.

I wanted so badly to get my spaceship and fly up to participate in the battle, but I knew that was completely impossible for three main reasons.

Firstly, what would people say if a Senator fought among the troops? Especially me, one of the loudest voices pleading against any new investments in the war. How would I explain myself? I still had a compromised reputation after what happened on Geonosis, as well as some of my following adventures during the war. It was definitely too much of a risk to do something like that again.

Secondly, I had to trust that Anakin and Obi-Wan were doing just fine. They had their troops with them and they had completed missions like this so many times before. There really wasn't any reason to believe that they would not make it this time. I should have faith in them. I should have faith in the troops, and in the Republic.

And lastly, I was definitely not in shape to be in a battle of any kind. I was, after all, pregnant.

When my thoughts went in that direction I automatically placed my hand over the increasingly evident bulge on my stomach. Nowadays I always wore big, wide dresses that left no trace of my body shape in order to hide the pregnancy. However, it was not just the changes my body had gone through that were difficult to hide. It had been almost impossible to handle work during my period of nausea. My thoughts always seemed to wander, especially when I needed to focus.  Furthermore, my eating habits and need for sleep had gone through a radical transformation.

I was always terrified that someone would point out one or two of these changes, or even put the pieces together and figure it out. The fact that I was pregnant and tried to hide it was a scandal by itself, moreover that I couldn't/didn't want to point out the father. But that was nothing compared to what would happen if the father would be revealed. Everything would collapse. Not only my career and my future but Anakins as well.

This was all way too much for me to manage on my own. A few weeks after Anakin had to leave I had discovered that I was pregnant. And he had been gone for more than five months. To contact him in a way that was suitable for the news was impossible, our dialogues were always fleeting and hurried. I struggled with the increase of anxiety as well as excitement over the fact that he was now closer than ever. If he survived this, the waiting would finally be over. My worst fear had been to deliver the baby by myself, without him even knowing that I was pregnant.

I went back inside and sat down again, pulling the dress tighter around me. Pattering steps made me look up. It was Motee who came in.

"Is everything okay, Mylady?"

Motee and Elle knew all about the situation. They knew that I was married to Anakin and they knew that I was pregnant. Her question wasn't general or courteous, she was concerned about my state of mind. Motee could keep a secret and bear the burden of my problems. But even so, I could not answer honestly.