The Things I Can't Tell You

Day Two

Today when I came home from school, I felt hungry for the first time in ages. I had a cup of green tea and a nectarine. 

I have no idea what I did after that. I just lay down in bed, I think. I had to leap out of bed at super speeds whenever mum or dad came into the room and pretend I was working on my personal statement at my desk. I couldn't care less about my personal statement. It is October now. I need to give it in my the end of December. I have more time than I actually need. And once again, I couldn't care less. I'm thinking of doing an apprenticeship in whatever after I leave sixth form anyway. I'm definitely taking a gap year. I'm not revising right now as it is, though. I wanted to take a gap year when you were around though, remember? You used to scoff and tell me what a waste of time that would be. Why on earth did you have to say that to me? Now I'll feel guilty taking one. But I don't care about that either. I'm not working. I won't work even if your ghost came to me and forced me to.

Your ghost isn't you.

I'd stopped going to my sociology lessons after June exams because I was sure I was going to be dropping it. But I went to lesson today. None of your friends take sociology. It's something that I have barely any memories attached to you with. I'll probably continue with that subject now.

I don't know.

I'm just so confused. 

It is really late and I'd say I'm going to try and sleep but I've been sleeping on and off all day. No use sleeping now. 

I just don't care anymore

I'm so sorry for being depressing. You used to say you loved my happiness. Now that my happiness is gone, I wonder if you will still love me.

I still love you, though.

Sent 01:23