A Fractured Mind | 민윤기

One

23 February 2018

Jimin took in a deep breath. The new semester would be starting soon and that meant new classes and new faces. It wasn't often he let himself become shy and timid, but even as he stuffed new items into his backpack, he found the dreaded feeling tugging at his limbs.

A loud groan came from Yoongi who was sitting at the piano in the living room. "Why did they give me a composition class? I can't play anything!" He banged on the keys in frustration, creating an awful tone-deaf sound. "Why did I even buy this fucking thing? There's no way I signed up for this class."

The younger only stayed quiet as he continued to complain and grow more angry by the second. He examined the butterfly tattoo on his hand, accompanied by symbols on his fingers. Then his eyes scanned over the small hole on the left side of Yoongi's nose that still hadn't closed up.

    Before Jimin could try to calm him, the older burst out in loud sobs that alarmed him. He only stared in awe at the man bent over the keys, shoulders shaking. Yoongi never cried.

    "Hyung?" he asked cautiously, drawing closer from his spot near the kitchen counter. The apartment was fairly big—courtesy of Jimin's wealthy parents.

    Yoongi choked on a whimper before turning to look at Jimin who now stood beside the piano. "Really, Jiminie?" she asked, voice a few octaves higher.

    Jimin sighed. He should've known.

    He scooted in next to her and draped a comforting arm around her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Yoonji. You just popped out so fast."

    Her voice was still low and gravely since she was Yoongi, but Jimin knew that she never noticed. She saw herself as a sixteen-year-old girl with short silky hair and a nice body. It almost seemed insane, but Doctor Choi had explained it to him many times.

    Yoonji caught her breath and laid her head on Jimin's shoulder, eyes fixated on the piano keys. "Yoongi's really stressed out right now," she admitted. "Me and the boys think we should take over."

    Jimin's grip on her arm tightened subconsciously. "You guys can't live his life for him."

    She sniffled and drew closer to him. "We're just trying to help."

    "I know," he mumbled, silently wishing that Yoongi would snuggle closer to him. Nonetheless, she was still Yoongi. It confused Jimin a great deal. But as long as she didn't talk, he could pretend that his best friend loved him back. "Just...let Yoongi get through the first day on his own, alright? You know how much it screws with him when you guys meet people and then he has no idea who they are."

She only nodded and moved one of her fingers to play a pleasant but simple tune on the keys. Yoongi couldn't play, but she could. Jimin had tried in vain to explain to her and the others that they were just parts of the same person. They didn't understand. Perhaps he was foolish for thinking they would.

"We aren't that unpleasant to be around, are we?" she asked quietly, slinking her arms to tighten around Jimin's waist.

His breath hitched at the way she was holding him, but he only shook his head. "No—no. I just think it's important for him to experience his life. I don't want you doing what Agust did. That really sent Yoongi into a tailspin."

Yoonji nodded, lifting her right hand to look at the tattoo. "This butterfly design is pretty tacky...though he's always had a bad taste in the visual arts. He should stick to rapping."

"How's his SoundCloud going, by the way?" Jimin asked, holding back a laugh.

"Well," she began. "It's pretty good. He has a lot of followers, but a new rapper has become his competition. Vernon, something or other..."

He let out his giggle, covering his mouth with one hand that was previously stroking her shoulder soothingly.

She smiled and Jimin stopped to admire it. He loved it when Yoongi smiled. "Your laugh is so cute, Jiminie." She poked his nose, wanting to pull a blush from him—which she got.

Even if it was a backhanded compliment, any praise from the older flustered him. Even if it wasn't from him directly. He knew that Yoonji and the others were merely extensions of Yoongi that he used to deal with stuff from his childhood. They were still him and they thought the way he did. They were just compartmentalized.

Lately, the others had been taking over more than usual. It both alarmed and saddened Jimin. He wondered if the therapy was working at that point. So much that he called the doctor later that day for advice after Yoonji decided to go for a walk through the complex—their apartment complex had a lot of flowers and nature that she enjoyed to be immersed in—leaving Jimin alone.

"Hello?" Doctor Choi answered right away. Yoongi was a high-priority patient of hers, especially after he tried to kill himself last fall. "Jimin, is something wrong?"

Jimin paced in his room, thinking about how to phrase the words. "Hi, Doctor Choi. Um, nothing is quite wrong...well, kind of. I don't know."

"What is it?" she asked after sighing in relief.

He laid down on his bed, limbs sprawled as he stared at the ceiling. "Earlier today, Yoonji told me that Yoongi's really stressed and that she and the others think they should 'take over' for a while."

"Well, that's normal. The personalities are there so that Yoongi can manage his stress and trauma."

"But, Doctor..." Jimin didn't know how to ask. He wanted his best friend back. "They're coming out more lately. I just...I think it would be a good idea to increase visits to five times a week instead of three."

The other line was silent for what seemed like a long time, the only audible sound being the static and Jimin's rapid heartbeat. "I'm going on a vacation next week, as you know, so I won't be able to see him at all. But when I get back I will switch him to five days. Perhaps that will help a bit, but Jimin, you know what I always say—"

"I know," he mumbled. "Yoongi's mental state depends on me."

She sighed heavily, the wisdom being apparent. "I know it's a heavy burden to carry, dear. But he doesn't have anyone else."

"Yeah."

It was true and Jimin knew it. He was the only one that could help his best friend. But it didn't seem like he was doing a very good job.

And that killed him.