A Fractured Mind | 민윤기

Ten

10 May 2018

To complement the process of Doctor Choi, Victoria frequently sat down with Yoongi or his personalities and tried to understand better why he was that way. Jimin knew she was just trying to help him so he only sat with them for moral support if he ever walked in.

But this one was different. He entered the apartment after dance class to hear them talking. They were clearly in Yoongi's room. Victoria's voice was desperate for him to understand.

"Keys are a good and useful thing, right?" she was saying. There was a moment of silence as Jimin set his bag on the kitchen counter, trying to make as little noise as possible. "Yoongi, love is a necessary thing! But if someone says 'come here, I love you' and then a hand reaches out and hits you, then love is spoiled by that, isn't it?"

He stood by the door and listened in, curious about her approach but not wanting to interrupt. He could picture the bewildered look on Yoongi's face that had been there when he had tried to tell him of the personalities.

"And music!" she continued. "That's something that you love very much and you miss very much because somehow that was spoiled for you, too—by the keys, the jingles. We don't know how, but we're going to find out. And the jingles belonged to the people and the people was your uncle!"

Yoongi muttered something before faint whimpering filled Jimin's ears.

"Oh, Suga, stop that!"

Silence.

The only thing Jimin could hear was his heartbeat that seemed to increase with each passing moment. Uncle? Jimin only knew of Yoongi's abusive father. Was this what Yoonji and Suga were talking about? Had Victoria somehow lured the information out?

"Shit, Vic. It's getting worse, isn't it?" He heard one of them stand and immediately directed his full attention back to their voices. "How do you know all that? I don't tell you...and—who does those drawings?"

Victoria inhaled sharply. "You do." Yoongi's breathing became heavy and labored. "But you do them as other people. Do you understand?" He made noises of disapproval. "You do them as other parts of yourself—"

"No, I don't!"

"Who are still children."

"No, I don't."

"But it's true."

"No, it's not!"

"Yoongi, you've got to understand that this is true!"

"No, it's—it's not possible."

"It is possible! Jimin and I talk to you all the time through them—that's what happens during your blackouts!" She sighed. "They all have names and they come out to protect you and they—they keep your appointments with Doctor Choi and they're the ones who pour out this information that you're afraid to face—"

"Oh, no..."

"You've got to understand it."

"No, it's not true..."

"It is true!"

"It's not! No, it's not!"

Jimin hid in the threshold of the bathroom as he heard quick footsteps. Yoongi raced out of his room and to the living room where Victoria followed.

"No," he muttered, sitting on one of the barstools. "It's not true."

He could clearly see the two now, but they were too engrossed in their conversation to notice him.

"Yoongi, everything you care about survives in those parts of you that your uncle wasn't able to reach," she said softly, reaching out to take one of his hands. "Your music, your writing—even your ability to love. They survive there."

Yoongi's eyes were squeezed shut as he listened to her. Jimin's heart ached at the sight.

Victoria carefully moved some hair out of his eyes. "You've heard this from Doctor Choi, haven't you?" When he didn't respond, she wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pressed her face into his neck from behind. "Yoonie, there's something I want you to see."

He stared after her as she trotted into his office room. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to let you read your own lyrics."

"No, I don't write lyrics anymore." He stood and followed her quickly. "I—I used to, but I don't write anymore."

Jimin watched them disappear through the door frame before quietly going over to see the rest of the scene unfold. Victoria was turned around and staring at him from his desk, where Agust hid the songs he wrote. "Well this was written by a part of you that calls himself Agust and he does—he writes beautiful lyrics every day."

"I don't want to know about him," Yoongi said while turning away to face the bookshelf. He picked at the withering spine of a classic.

"Yoongi, we've got to make this real for you."

He only continued shaking his head and shut his eyes again. Without speaking more, she ventured to the laptop sitting open on his desk and entered the password he had told her. Within seconds, one of Agust's tracks began playing.

Yoongi's eyes shot open in disbelief as his raspy voice filled the room. He was aggressively rapping, as always, to an upbeat sound that he had made himself. He slowly turned to Victoria in disbelief and pointed weakly to the laptop.

"This is...this is me?"

Victoria smiled. "Yes. Agust—you—has thousands of followers on SoundCloud. I'd say you're one of the most popular underground rappers around."

Yoongi stayed glued to that spot for the remaining duration of the song. Once it was over, he took one step toward her, but decided against it, and backed away instead.

"I don't want to talk about this right now," he mumbled and turned to walk out. Once he saw Jimin, the color drained from his face and he stopped dead in his tracks. "Ji—Jimin. What—what are you...How long have you..."

Jimin swallowed hard and looked his best friend in the eyes. "Don't worry. I've already heard it."

The older averted his gaze and shoved past him. The two waited in silence until they heard his door slam shut. He watched Victoria let out a long sigh and sink into Yoongi's office chair. He gave a sigh of his own and crossed the room to her.

She stood and looked up at him with a twinkle of guilt in her beautiful eyes. "I know I should let Doctor Choi do these things, but..." Before she could finish, Jimin pulled her into his embrace, guiding her head into the nape of his neck.

"You're just trying to help," he said quietly. "I can't blame you for wanting Yoongi to accept all this. I want him to as well."

"I'm sorry for walking into this and trying to play God," she whispered into his skin. "It's not my place to fix anything."

Jimin tightened his arms around her at her words. He hated to think that she honestly thought that way. "Don't say that—ever. You're exactly what we needed. And I promise that after all this is over, we'll take care of you like you take care of us."

"Jimin—"

"Would you shut up for once?" he muttered playfully.

Victoria laughed lightly and relaxed in his arms.

He hoped that Yoongi would soon be ready for what they all needed. And most of all, he hoped that once it was said and done, that Yoongi would be himself and be happy. Yet he knew how much of a stretch that was.