warning : triggering
I got home, and threw myself onto my beds. I couldn't hear anything except my own small sobs. Suddenly a knock was at the door,
"Come in!" I said, jumping up quickly. Shawn walked in with a smile, i sighed and lay back. "you alright?" he asked. I nodded, knowing if i were to answer you could tell i'd been crying.
He put his hand on top of mine, and smiled. "now tell me whats up, you don't just cry for nothing" he said, looking more concerned.
"its just this boy, he doesn't like me, and i don't know if i like him. I want to love people but i know i'd just get hurt, especially with this certain boy" I wiped my tears away. "don't tell dad" i finished.
"i wont. You know what someone once told me?" He said with a grin. "to stop being so annoying?" i answered. "no. that the people who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it most" He said with a wink.
I smiled, then gave him a hug. He smiled, and hugged back. Yes i hated this boy. Yes, he was annoying. Yes, he plays his guitar far too loud. Yes, he put my in hospital. But still deep down, deep, deep, deep down - I love my brother.
Shawn was probably the only person who could cheer me up at this time.
---
I walked into school on Monday, tugging the sleeves of my jumper down. I also hung my head down. I saw Matt near my locker. I would usually rush, to say hello. But today i felt it necessary to walk slow.
I got to my locker and he noticed me. The bright glowing smile he had plastered on his face, fell. He frowned and went to speak to me. I turned away, avoiding conversation. Yeah, i was being a bitch - but what else could i do?
He walked off, followed by a line of other boys. Becky walked up to me with red puffy eyes. "Alli?" She said. "yeah?" I replied. Oh no! I bet Carter has told her as well!
"I'm moving house, to Vegas" She said sobbing. I held her in a hug, ignoring the stares. Oh well, isn't this great - I'm going to loose my best friend. Oh wait let me rephrase that, my only friend.
we walked down the hall together. She was in my next lessons which was better.
--
At Lunch me and Becky saw Carter. Oh great. She ran up to him, he frowned at me. Matt was next to him, he frowned also. Becky looked curious. Carter pulled my arm and asked could we talk, i agreed and he pulled me to the side.
"Heard about Becky?" He said.
"yeah" I replied looking away
"I'm sorry. for everything. i shouldn't of told Matt and now Beckys leaving" He said sympathetically.
"huh like you care" i said shrugging.
"so you think i don't care?" he said.
"no i know you don't" i answered. He smacked the wall next to us, clearly frustrated.
He walked away angrily. I never bothered getting lunch, i sat in the library and finished homework.
---
After lunch, i was in Matt's class. I walked in and looked around. I sat in my regular seat. Matt entered slightly late, he noticed me and paused. He eventually snapped back to reality, and took his seat.
I saw Hailey lean forward towards Matt. She ran her fingers through his hair, and he leaned his head back. I had to admit i was slightly jealous.
"aren't jealous are you Kingsley?" Hailey laughed, noticing my staring.
"of what?" I said regretting it straight away.
"you know cos you have a crush on Matt, and he well.. he likes me" She laughed.
I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. I don't even have someone there, someone who could hug me tight. Maybe tight enough my broken bits piece together.
"yeah right..." I said under my breath.
"you kidding me!" Hailey shrieked. Everyone began to look at this dramatic performance occurring.
"Sir, Alli has just called me an ugly American, like am i really ugly" she said and began to fake cry. Everybody heard the conversation, i never!
"no way!" I shouted, i stood up and walked out the class.
The teacher opened the door behind me and called my name. Yeah right, cos i was going to go back in there.
I went and sat in the toilets until the bell went for the end of day.
When the end of day bell finally rung i got up and walked to my locker. Sticky notes where plastered all over the front.
'Racist Bitch!'
'fat'
'your ugly!'
'die please'
I felt my cheeks redden, and tears beginning to brim. I ripped the notes off fast and watched them drop to the floor. I turned around and saw Matt in front of me i scoffed. "Alli?" he said.
"What Matt?" i said sternly.
"did you really say that to Hailey?" he asked.
"are you actually fucking kidding me!" I said pushing him out my way.
--
When i got home i was so pissed. I threw my pillows on the floor and pushed everything off my desk. I opened up my laptop and opened my video chat software. I made a video for Carter, Matt and Becky. This should explain when I'm gone.
I opened it up and pressed record.
"Hello." I started. I took a deep breath. "I'm Allison Kingsley, but you guys know me already. I am making this video because I'm tired? I am just so done with trying to fit in and be good in this world when i bring nothing but disappointment. Everybody hates me, and at first i didn't know why, but know i do. Because now, i hate me too. So i'm just going to say that I'm done with trying to be me, because every breath is a battle. Well that's all i'm going to say. Goodbye" I said and pressed stop.
I wiped my tears off my cheeks. I saw that Matt had seen the video, that's all shown up. I walked into my bathroom and grabbed a large bottle of pills, probably for headaches. I wiped more tears off my cheeks. I leaned against the bar on my balcony, please fall bar, please let me tip over.
I took a deep breath and looked at the bottle. I sat for about ten minutes, i was actually going to do it. I was actually going to die. Honestly, i don't even think I'm that bothered. Another ten minutes went by and i stood back up.
I grabbed the pills and looked at the lid. I began pulling hard against the cap, it was tough to open. Suddenly i heard loud knocks on the door. Matt burst into my room.
"just let me die!" I screamed through loud cries. He ran towards me and i turned away. Come on you son of a bitch open! Please stop being so difficult! I finally opened the bottle, and felt Matt's arms around me trying to grab the bottle.
"Alli please!" He shouted. "No!" i screamed. I dropped the bottle, and watched each little murderer roll off the floor and off the balcony. I fell down to the floor. "But Matt?" I said crying so hard. i finished, falling back.
slowly falling back.
OK so emotional... This was harder to write this chapter. i know i know #cyberbully movie but idk. So what do you thinks happened to Alli? ooohhh... <3 this is copyrighted to fuck but it's okay.
anyways vote,comment, follow?...
- T
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i'm only human//matthew espinosa
Fanfiction"The people who are the hardest to love, are the people who need it most"
