Author's self rant ignore please

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I'm so tired of looking back and seeing all the people who have left me. They're just gone. And I'm tired of being sad all the fucking time because i was the one who got to emotionally attached and I was the one who wanted to help everyone even if I couldn't. I'm tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve for anyone to tear up into tiny little pieces but the sad thing is I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to stop being who I am and feeling how I do. It's so much easier to hold all this shit inside than it is for me to tell anyone. I mean how many people actually know I fight depression? It's so much easier for me to write what I feel like if I want to die then I'll write a short story about a girl who commits suicide. If I'm happy I'll write fluffy little cute romantic scenes but that's not who I am. I'm not living that life. Those are lives I've made up as a false reality that I'll never ever be able to live. And I just wish I could do something about it all. I just wish if I could help a situation even if it's out of my hands and not up to me what happens. I just want to help everyone but I can't and it makes me feel like a failure. And when I find people who accept me and make me laugh and not so sad they all leave and I can't stop that because I can't stop anything. A boy died from suicide and I didn't even find out until a month after when I was wondering why he was being inactive. I was wondering why he was being inactive. I'm such a bitch I looked at his account for that reason. I didn't even know him or know he was depressed yet I still wanted to help.

I'm tired of being sad and feeling like a failure.

And with this self pity rant over I'll continue my story soon.

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