You don't really care; do you?

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Triggers:
• self harm
• Eating disorders
• relapse
• suicide
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Holy shit I hate myself.
I relapsed today.
And in all honesty instead just so fucking tired of all this.
My "dad" has been so awful lately. I fucking can't be in the same room as him and I've been struggling lately with body image and eating because I DONT HAVE A THIGH GAP ANYMORE AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE.
I feel so fucking fat I'm such a disappointment. I wish I was twenty pounds lighter. I wishI was skinny and dainty and small and below 100 pounds. Im so fucking heavy. I need to start dieting again.
Today I baked with my girlfriend; girl-best friend and this boy...
I'm scares tbh
Because like
My girlfriend is so fucking amazing
And sweet
And kind and just so amazing and lovely and im terrified that im not doing enough to support her. What if i'm just being a burden to her and just pulling her down because lately I feel like I've been complaining too much like the pussy I am. I'm just some selfish prick who can't even get out of bed to fucking clean their room or contribute to anything or fucking
I just
I hate myself so much. Maybe things would be better without me here. I just pull everybody down. I can't do shit right. I mess everything up. I bet J and my s/o are annoyed by me and secretly hate me or something bc there's no way that they can even tolerate some waste of space like me.
If I had the courage I'd be dead right now.