The Highest Summit © | ✅

Chapter 32: Conquering myself

Bobbi

Scott's question took me by surprise. I didn't think that me saying goodbye to my friends and family would cause him to think something's up. But I wanted, no, I needed to say goodbye to them. I couldn't leave without saying goodbye. At least they will all have one good memory of me. I still need to find a way to say goodbye to Scott without him noticing.

We barely speak during our climb, just the occasional "how far until camp?" question comes up or "how about a snack?" or "who would win in a death match between Iron Man and Wolverine?" It's nice to have this casual talk with Scott. We always connected even without many words. He understands me and I him and we both know when to shut the fuck up and leave the other be. It is nice to have him here with me. I think it's fitting. Other than Sam, Scott is my best friend, but even he can't comprehend my pain. I hope he won't resent me for what I'm about to do and instead remember me the way I was back in the day, before Sam.

There's no denying it. Sam changed me. It's not an unwelcome change, it just made me more vulnerable and I hate it a little bit. I always tried my hardest to be strong, confident and ready for everything. But no one told me how my life would be after I found my soul mate and lost him. I know I'm pathetic for even thinking it, but I just can't live like this. Not without him. I know my parents will be very upset about this, but I chose Sam. I want and need to be with him, wherever he is. He always thought I was strong, but I'm not. I'm a coward, I know that. But I don't care. I want to be with him and this is the only way.

We settle for the night and I realize it is now or never. At this point there are three possible ways up the mountain. Before we left the hotel I wrote a letter to Scott explaining everything and left letters for my loved ones as well. I stuffed it all deep down in his rucksack where he won't find them until we are separated. I also wrote a small note saying I woke up early and decided to trek for a while on my own, he can catch up with me later. This way he won't think something's up and decide on another route.

We sit next to each other reminiscing past expeditions. We laugh, we joke, we keep it simple. That's who we are. We both hate talking about deep stuff and only do it when we really need to. I try to get a couple of hours of sleep before I make my way up the mountain. I set my phone on vibrate to wake me just passed midnight.

I slowly pull out the note out of my jacket and place it near Scott's sleeping frame. I manage to grab my rucksack and get out of our tent closing it carefully without waking my friend.

"Stay safe, my friend. I love you," I say to him as I leave the camp site heading up the mountain, taking the alternative route I planned for.

It is pitch black outside, the stars above do little to illuminate the way, but I have my flashlight attached on my head providing enough light to allow me walking slowly. The night is freezing cold, but I don't care. I didn't come here in search of tropical weather. I came here to stay. I came here to find Sam again.

I take small steps toward the summit relishing the feeling of being back on a mountain. I have really missed this, more than I thought possible. The months I have spend put weren't as bad as I thought at first.

When my parents told me right after Everest that I wasn't allowed to climb for a whole year I was mad at them. I know that they only did what they did to keep me safe and I can't blame them for being protective and worry about me. They are my parents after all and if not them then who will worry about me? The thought of them makes me sad. I'm leaving them behind like I'm leaving everyone else. But I need to do this. I feel like I'm suffocating on this earth without my soul mate. If it weren't for him I would still be a mess, I'm sure of it. Yes, Scott and Matt cheered me up when they came to visit me during the camp period, but it was only after Sam and I started talking to each other and opening up to one another that I really felt like my life is being put back together. It is because of him that the wound caused by my friends' death started healing. But with his absence it tore open again and is now bleeding more than ever. That wound, however, is nothing compared to the one Sam's demise did to me.