p r e t e n d | Joji

t h i r t y - o n e

brian filled my heart as much as he could.

and with his help, the wildflower in me slowly recovered.

he watered me with love and the ability to form sentences.

he shone a ray of happiness whenever he was there for an ultrasound.

he removed my roots that were stuck so long in bed and placed them on a wheel chair and around the hospital.

his encouragements were like some sort of fertilizer that encouraged me to be able to fully move again.

but despite all that, despite him devoting his time in the four walls of a hospital room, there was one thing he couldn't do,

and that was replacing the small spot deep down in my heart that belonged to you,joji.

looking back, i found it funny how i would always find time to peak at the door to see if you'd visit,

how i still asked brian everyday about you.

and how whenever i heard the door opening i would grab the mirror near me and make myself look as presentable as possible for you.

it felt like your spot in my heart was using that strength of yours to refuse the real love brian was giving.

but i guess you were just pushing me back to reality because you never even pretended to care.

not once, until that day.

do you still remember, joji?

me on my seventh month of pregnancy, a few weeks from getting discharged- pale skin and a scarce amount of hair covering my surgery scar.

you, as pale, exhausted and skinny as ever, wearing the hoodie i bought for you with jeans.

at that moment, it was like our foolish game of pretend was starting once again.

you hugged me gently and gave my stomach a kiss.

everything was like a dream, joji.

the wildflowers you bought: just like how i liked them.

the names we decided to give: kiko and brian.

your explanations and apologies on why you left.

you asked if you could come back into my life

and even when the reasons why you left didn't make sense, i still allowed you back.

you asked me if i could forgive you

and i forgave you even when i couldn't forget the pain you put me through.

you asked me if i could ever love you again

and just when your little part in my heart was about to answer for me, the door opened and a familiar voice shouted

"joji, darling, are you done yet? i'm hungry... let's go eat dinner and have some fun tonight!"

it was her.

the girl who broke your heart and allowed us to start pretending.

your face was a confusing cluster between shocked and angry.

i guess you were trying to reciprocate my expressions.

you then got up and walked away without saying goodbye.

looking back at it now, both of us have changed a lot.

but there was one thing about you that always stayed the same: you were always so good at pretending.

to this day, i still wonder if you were there for what happened next.

but joji, please don't have nightmares about it anymore.