p r e t e n d | Joji

t h i r t y - s e v e n

my birthday was exactly one week after we lost our babies.

you bought a cake, a laced dress and some wildflowers that day.

you asked the nurse to change me into the dress you bought while you placed seven candles on the chocolate cake.

you placed the wildflowers around my bed and talked to me as if i was there with you.

you wrapped your warm hands around my cold ones and told me about your feelings, reflecting on our past and our hopeless future together.

you squeezed my hand so you could feel the reflexes of my body squeezing back; and although you knew they were purely just my reflexes, you still smiled as if i was alive.

after you finished singing happy birthday, you asked ever so cheerfully what i was wishing for this year.

if only i could express how much i wish you could hear my answer.

joji, i wish you'll eat healthier and travel to places you've always wanted to go.

i wish you'll write more songs and do all the things you love.

i wish you'll meet amazing people who support you no matter what you decide to do.

i wish one day you'll find someone so amazing, she would make you forget the tragedy i caused you.

i wish you'll forgive me for being too weak to keep your children alive.

but most importantly, i wished you'll live your life ,from this point onwards, not pretending any longer.

as you blew the candles one by one, it almost seemed like you were waiting for me to finish my list of wishes.

after you blew the last candle, you leaned down and pressed your warm tender lips kissed my freezing lifeless one for the last time.

you called the nurses in as you told them to let me go.

goodbye joji, it was nice loving, hating and pretending with you.

from now on, i hope you start embracing reality.

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