p r e t e n d | Joji

e l e v e n

that night,with only the sound of the rain crashing onto your yellow umbrella between us; you showed me your true self, every side of you- both the good and the bad.

it was obvious that everyone would love your good side.

the side where your music, your good looks, your charming smile and the way you joke around cheerfully lie.

but with your bad side, the side where your issues lie, where your seizures, tears, cuts and mood swings lie.

i'm not sure if everyone would.

but i did.

you showed me your scars and i was surprised at myself for showing you mine.

they weren't physical, most of them anyway.

i told you about my parents, how they got divorced and now live in different countries with their new families

how i felt like a piece of rubbish being left behind.

their piece of piece of rubbish.

how my dad told me to kill myself and how my mum blamed me in tears for her divorce.

it was hard joji, it was so hard to tell you all of that.

but i didn't want to play pretend anymore.

i wanted something real.

and i guess you did too.

you hugged me while patting my back gently with those warm hands of yours.

it was the only warmth i had in my cold, pitch-black world joji, thankyou.

you whispered ever so softly into my ears, your voice was like a lullaby, the one i would gladly fall into a deep sleep with.

by now, you should know how hard it is for me to fall asleep; how many pills it takes.

but that day joji, when you told me you wanted to date for real, i was willing to fall into deep slumber right there in the heavy rain, with you.