Wanting More
July 14, 2014
Once you have a nightmare which is so beautiful that you don’t want to wake up. For in every night you sleep, all you have in your dreams are pure dreadfulness and terror of your past and present. You never have a happy-ending just like everyone else. You’re afraid of your future because it’s so blurred and you cannot see anything up to this point onwards.
For once in your life, you’ve dream of a person who loves you, who cares for you, and you accepts you along with your flaws and imperfections. That person was looking at you so kindheartedly that it melts your heart and begins to feel something odd deep within—wanting.
How you wish that it’s real but you know it’s not. A nightmare you create for which it only ends in more pains. You wanted love so desperately that it bleeds you soul as an invisible knife cuts your heart. You’re wounded so deep but no one perceives it. No one sees how fragile you are. No one ever dare to show their concerns to you.
No one.
How come wanting so simple, becomes so impossible to have?
You’re in the middle of the crowd as the rays of the sun embrace your cold skin. You are there, looking to the one you love, while you begin to marvel, why can’t I be the one for that person? You want to be with one only being who knows you but at the same time, it’s too much to bear for. You know the word ‘wanting’ but you can feel those heavy barriers between you two.
“Its better this way,” you said it to yourself but you know better. It feels like hell while staring at the person you want to be with, but all you can ever say now is, “I know you’ll be happier without me.”
A cliché statement and yet it shatters your all for you are watching your only world slowly revolving to someone else. And what’s more painful is that you need to be contented despite the fact that you’re breaking bit by bit.
Wanting but you’re pushing…
Dreaming but you’re denying…
Loving but you’re lying…
Wanting…
Such lonesome words.
Yes, it hurts. Who says it isn’t? But that’s life though. That’s the way of proof that you’re still living and not dying. Instead of wasting your time in depression, how about appreciating those small things that you have?
But have you ever try to close your eyes, feeling your heartbeat, forgetting everything, and just focus on a music for about a minute? Have you ever tried to open up your eyes and look above the sky and see how blue it is? Have you ever smiled because it rains and you have no umbrella and yet, somehow, you like how those raindrops fall down upon your cheeks?
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‘Wanting’ is when you don’t know this little word, ‘contentment’.
Go with the flow and let God guides you. If that person is really the one destines for you, then so be it. Right time. Right words. Right place.
But hell! You should do something for yourself to be the right one for the one you love.
If you want someone or something, make it happen!
Don’t just stand up there and let your daydreams rule your world. After all, your worth is more than just your thoughts. When you feel those longing, it means you’re giving a way to make yourself inferior.
You are far more than that.
Believe that you are more than what you think of.
You should know how to value yourself a little more than acting like a cheap seller who bargains your own soul for a lowest price that even a beggar can buy.
Read between the lines.
