stoical - l.h.

ten

❀❀

It is a strange experience, being immersed in someone else's family, even though I've never been immersed in my own. Everyone had previously been informed about me, so no one awkwardly stood in front of me, wondering why such an oddly placed girl was standing in the middle of the house during a family gathering. Everyone seemed welcoming enough, maybe a little overly welcoming, but I figure it's just because it's Thanksgiving and everyone wants the night to go well. The constant stream of different names is extremely overwhelming, I will say. I will also admit that I basically know no one's name, except for the littlest baby, who I know is named Joshua. For whatever reason, the name stuck in my mind, maybe because the kid's really cute.

I'm sat at the kid's table, which I was correct in assuming is the one in the kitchen. It isn't really a kids table since there are a few cousins and relatives in their early twenties sitting around the table. Most of the older ones take care of feeding the fussy younger children, including little Joshua, so that the parents can relax themselves at their own table. There is real conversation happening around, and most of it is all-inclusive of the whole table. Surprisingly, everyone seems pretty up-to-date with their cousins' lives. No one is asking the typical questions relatives might ask, or saying, "Wow, you've gotten so tall!" as family does when they only see each other once or twice a year. Just like Elise, Drew, Calum, and Leia, the distant family is just as tight-knit. There isn't even any drama. It's a little sickening, I have to say, how loving they all are. Maybe that makes me sound like a shitty person, but seeing a family like this makes me feel shitty. It isn't anyone's fault, but I can't help but think about my biological family in a situation like this.

I don't think about them much because I don't care about someone who decided to give me up. It doesn't matter what my mother and father's reasoning was. The bottom line is that they gave me up and doomed my future from the very beginning. Most often I wonder if they realize how terrible my life has turned out. If they ever think about me, if they regret giving me up...even if they do regret it, and I ever find out, I could never forgive them. I know that for sure. If I were ever to come in contact with my biological parents, I wouldn't give them the light of day anyway.

I've managed to keep the attention off me mostly, especially since I'm sitting next to Calum and he'd always change the subject if he thought it was getting dangerously close to me. I appreciate it, if that's even what he's doing, but I still feel bad. I hope I'm not ruining his leisurely conversations by forcing him to awkwardly change the subject every time it gets even relatively close to me. He seems to be in a good mood, anyway, though, and I hope it's real.

It's hard to avoid a question when is directly for me. I barely even recognize who it's coming from since I'm so focused on sipping water slowly to stop the tightness in my chest, and when I hear my name I almost choke.

"Hey, Lavender," one of the cousins says, a gorgeous older girl with thick, black curls. "Calum says you moved here from the city. Did you like living there?"

I feel Calum tense up slightly behind me. It's funny; I don't even think he knows what he's tensing up for. But I know he's recognized that question as one of my many triggers, and I can tell he's about to butt in and say something. I clear my throat before he can say anything.

"I didn't," I say casually, shrugging. I can hear my voice shaking, but I hope it's too noisy for anyone to realize. "Wasn't my type."

The girl nods as if she understands. I notice how perfect and pretty her makeup is, making her skin look absolutely flawless and smooth. Honestly, I wouldn't even be surprised if her skin is naturally like that. Her lashes are dark and long, eyes popping with the defined eyeshadow on her lids. I wish I could do that, or that I wasn't so awfully pale and fair so I could define my own eyes like that. I look away when I realize she's probably going to continue the conversation.