stoical - l.h.

twenty-five

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luke hemmings, 23:02: Lavender - if you've deleted my number, this is Luke. I understand if you never want to speak to me again, but I would really, really appreciate if you could just read through this message before you decide what to do because I'm feeling overwhelmed with the possibility of you walking around hating me without knowing the truth. I do not think about you during sex. That's what I want to say first. I don't think about you in any creepy way, I swear on my life. My words came out wrong, and you may have taken them wrong because I get extremely nervous when I talk to you sometimes. I know that I've been a dick. That is no excuse for how I've treated you in the past. I've acted like a bully and I understand that it's not okay to act that way. I do not think anything less of you because you're in foster care, and it was disgusting of me to tell anyone about your personal life. I am sincerely sorry about that. From the beginning, all I've wanted was the opportunity to help you through your anxiety or whatever you may be going through, but what I've misunderstood myself is that in order to do that I have to be your friend, and not only do I have to but I genuinely want to. The reason I get nervous and the reason I think about you AFTER sex is only because you make me realize that there are genuinely good people in the world and that I don't have to act like a douchebag. It's going to take some time for me to become someone brand new but you have inspired me to be someone brand new because of how you call me out on my bullshit and make me realize how awful of a person I can be. This is getting really long so I thank you if you have read up to this point. I would really like to talk to you at school on Monday if you want. If you want to talk this through, meet me in the media center before school. I know what time you get to school because of Calum, so don't worry about timing. If you don't want to, then that's okay. But all I'm asking is that you give me another chance and we can be friends and we can maybe help each other through rough times. I'm so sorry for everything I've done to you. Meet me on Monday?

I turn my read receipts on after reading the message. I do not reply.

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I wake up on Saturday after having slept okay. It's my next therapy appointment today, and I can't say I'm looking forward to it much, but I'm really glad to get it over with. I dress before leaving my room at all in the morning and then make my way to the bathroom to commence my usual morning routine.

When I go downstairs, everyone is sleepily making their way through the morning. Leia is watching a Netflix show while sitting on the couch in her pajamas, and Calum is sitting on the floor in front of the couch, but he's doing some weird stretches instead of watching television. Both Drew and Elise are washing dishes, as they always seem to be, and when I walk in I catch the attention of Elise.

"Oh, look who's up!" she says enthusiastically. "Will you be ready to go in about twenty minutes?"

I nod my head and give her a short smile with no feeling. Sitting at the kitchen table, I set my eyes on the TV screen and try to comprehend what's going on in Leia's show instead of thinking over any of the things I should be thinking over.

I feel a hand on my back after a few seconds and look behind me to see Elise standing there. She removes her hand after we lock eyes as if remembering how much I hate being touched, and apologizes sincerely. Then she says, "Can we get you some breakfast? Leia and Calum already ate, but we can make you whatever you want."

"No, I'm alright, thanks," I reply. I try to keep my voice light and not at all filled with the dread I'm feeling. I hope I'm successful. I don't want any of the Hoods feeling like I'm trying to have an attitude towards them, but sometimes I can't help but feel this depression in all parts of my body to the point where I cannot hide it whatsoever.