stoical - l.h.

eighteen

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The sound of my positively sickening alarm on Monday morning fills me immediately with a nauseous feeling. My eyes open, vision filling with the darkness of my bedroom since the sun isn't fully up. Silently, I reach over and shut my alarm off after unplugging my phone and bringing it closer to me. In utter disbelief that I'll actually have to leave this nice, warm bed in exchange for the dull and terrifying building called school, I double check that it's actually Monday. I figure this could be sort of prank, but it isn't. It's really Monday, and I really have to get up to go to school.

When I'm not underneath the blankets anymore, I'm shivering and craving the warmth of one of my huge sweaters. I put a navy blue one on and don't feel much warmer since even the sweater is cold from being in the cold room. Switching from sweatpants to jeans is a terrible occasion, and I do it quickly so that I don't have to think about how much it really sucks. Once that's done, I head into the bathroom grumpily to make sure I look decent for the day to come.

Calum is in the bathroom. I pretend he isn't as I run my fingers through my knotted hair. It needs to be washed and looks absolutely terrible, so I put it into a ponytail in order to prevent dealing with it for the day. I still ignore Calum's presence when he says good morning, and I continue to ignore him as I brush my teeth and scrub my face with warm water. It makes my skin dry, but the warmth of the water is too good right in the morning to skip it. I walk right out when I'm done and feel a little terrible about it since I can barely remember why I started ignoring Calum in the first place.

Okay, that's an exaggeration. I know why. He betrayed me, sort of. Overthinking the situation for countless hours resulted in my realizing that he probably had my best interest at heart. For some reason, that does not give me the desire to speak to him, though. I can't explain why. I actually think I might want to talk to him, but something is still holding me back real hard.

Today, Michael's picking us up. Surprisingly, he always arrives promptly, which is weird considering the fact that he often tries to get ready in the shortest amount of time possible. He hasn't been late once while I've been here, though, and it isn't any different today. He pulls into the driveway right on time and Calum and I make our way out into the chilled early morning.

I'm actually happy it's starting to get colder. I appreciate the cold much more than the heat since the heat can get uncomfortable. And with the cold weather comes celebration, something I've never really taken part in happily but something I've carefully, happily observed from afar. I enjoy the mood around the wintertime, the jolliness and such even if it does not spread entirely to the empty place in my chest. I like the music, the colors, the snowfall...it's all pretty magical even without a gift to open on Christmas day, even without someone to kiss on New Year's.

I curiously watch the warm breath I breathe out meet the cold air, curling around in front of me. I get into Michael's car shortly afterwards, taking the backseat as always since Calum always takes the front. I don't mind much, although sitting in the backseat does give me headaches. But what doesn't give me a headache lately, really?

Michael is playing music that's way too intense for six in the morning. Gratefully, it isn't too loud, but I do wish I had some headphones of my own or an easy way to access music so I could drown it all out all day long. Sighing, I look out the window as Michael pulls out of the driveway slowly. I have to say, he's also a pretty careful driver. I can't really complain. Sometimes I even prefer his driving to Calum's, but only sometimes.

The boys make pointless conversation in the front that I try not to listen to. It's about some party that happened over the weekend that was 'wicked', and after hearing that I roll my eyes and look outside. In my head, I'm picturing the lyrics to my favorite song written out on a page in the way that calms me. I'm almost through the bridge of the song, picturing, You're my Achilles heel mentally, when I hear his name come from Michael's mouth. I tense up. Naturally.