stoical - l.h.

eleven

❀❀

luke hemmings, 02:13: This is probably weird, but I can't sleep because I can't stop wondering if this was a prank

I stare at the message, my eyes narrowed at the brightness of the screen. The AM hit a few hours ago, and I haven't been able to find sleep at all. I've been laying, staring aimlessly, trying to shut my mind off desperately. I know that, after receiving this message, I won't be able to sleep for the rest of the night. Sighing, I sit up in my bed and type a reply.

You, 02:14: it's really me. not a prank

I lock my phone and put it beside me, rubbing my eyes furiously. I move forward on my bed so that I can look outside of my window. Moving the curtains, I put them behind my head, pressing my forehead to the freezing cold glass. I stare for a few seconds before shutting my eyes at the refreshing feeling of the cold on my head. I breathe slowly, taking in the cold air that emanates from outside. When my phone buzzes this time, I don't want to look at it, but I do anyway.

luke hemmings, 02:16: Oh good

luke hemmings, 02:17: You got my note?

I roll my eyes at the stupid question, typing back a brief reply that probably could've been less sassy. It's just so late, and the fact that I'm not asleep is making me anxious. But going to sleep would probably be worse. I can't stand to see the things that lurk in the shadows of my nightmares right now, not when I'm actively trying to become better somehow. Besides, I just can't shut off the thoughts tonight.

The rest of Thanksgiving went well, so these thoughts aren't stemming from anything that happened there. I enjoyed some of the apple pie, helped myself to a few of the cookies I'd helped bake. I talked some, not a lot, and awaited the moment when everyone would begin to disperse. They did relatively late, and after that everyone in the Hood house went to bed practically immediately. It had been such a long day, I don't blame them for wanting to get to sleep quickly, but I'm feeling really lonely now and I wish I could hear someone walking past my room or shuffling around the kitchen. I don't realize how comforting those sounds are until they're gone. In the middle of the night, this house is a little bit scary, I have to admit. It doesn't feel anything like a home to me. I know that if I were to leave this room, I would be so paranoid about the thick shadows coating the walls and would scurry back here immediately.

Buzz. I glance over at that stupid phone again. I sort of wish I hadn't texted Luke, at least not earlier tonight, because I'm not in the mood to talk to anybody right now. I know, I just said I'm lonely, but I wish I could be with someone without really being with someone. I don't really know how to explain the longing feeling that fills my chest, but it is blue and hollow and terrifying.

I lay back hard on the bed, sighing again. I feel like I have to in order to catch my breath.

luke hemmings, 02:22: Okay. Why is it that you texted me? Why are you awake

"I have no idea," I whisper aloud. I bury my eyes in the crook of my elbow, admiring the strange shapes in the darkness of my eyelids.

My tiredness goes past everyday exhaustion. Something about the anxiety I experience is actually draining and I find it hard to think and operate normally. Staring at my phone screen is awful. My eyes are blurry and tired and dry. The brightness does nothing to help.

You, 02:23: you said to text when i needed to. i needed to. i can't sleep

You, 02:23: why are you awake, then?

I wait with my phone unlocked this time. I look at my screen super close up, watching as the three dots indicating that he's typing pop up and down repeatedly. It's almost like he's deleting and retyping several times. Finally, a message comes through, my phone pinging softly through the room.