stoical - l.h.

seven

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The whole day is a complete blur of getting lost, then finding my way, then getting lost again and having a small breakdown somewhere quiet. I've gotten lost so many times today, I lost count a long time ago, and it is seriously taking a toll on me. Just now, the exhaustion from not having slept very much over the past couple of days is catching up with me, and fast. I can't even imagine how terrible I look right now. I started sweating around third period when I began panicking about finding a seat in the already-full classroom. After that, I had to roll up the sleeves of the sweater than once felt so comforting and warm, but now just feels completely suffocating.

So far, I've only seen Michael once, when we both realized we're in the same Pre-Calculus class. I suppose it was comforting to see him, but only for about one second. I saw him, and surprisingly let out a sigh of relief. When he saw me, he greeted me and excitedly expressed how happy he was that we're in the same class. Approximately one minute later, he was in his seat, surrounded by a bunch of friends. They laughed, chatted, joked with the teacher, and I sat in the way back of the classroom to pretend I didn't exist. I don't know, I guess I was just embarrassed. I didn't assume he would drop everything and be my best friend, but it still hurt for some reason that this is my life. This is how it's always been, and I suppose how it always will be.

I haven't seen Calum at all, or any of his other friends as far as I know. I didn't go into gym yet since it's health for me right now (which is a whole different story), so I guess some of them could have that period with me, but I doubt it would really make any difference. Going back to the whole health situation, of course Luke is in it with me. I think he showed up about about twenty minutes late, which was even later than I did. It took me so long to find the health classroom because of how hidden it was, but Luke still managed to beat me by showing up later. He made a big scene, too, calling the teacher by his first name—which happened to be Jim—and claiming that he was 'too busy' to learn about human anatomy. He then proceeded to ask if Jim needed CPR, because he felt comfortable enough to administer it since Jim was such a great teacher.

Let me tell you, this got quite a few laughs out of some idiotic kids in this classroom. People were actually crying with laughter. Meanwhile, I was staring daggers at Luke's back, hoping he noticed me for some reason. He didn't. We went through the entire period without him knowing I was in the class with him. He was very preoccupied, when he wasn't disrespecting the teacher, with chatting up a girl he was sitting next to. I have no idea what her name is, but she was pretty. She had hair that could be considered red, but is more of a blonde color. She was listening intently to Luke speak to her,and every so often she would interrupt him to clarify something, shake her head, nod her head. I stared more than I care to admit because I was confused.

The girl was wearing a floral patterned dress and was taking notes while Luke babbled on and on in her ear. She even raised her hands a few times to clarify something the teacher was saying about whatever the lesson was. I could tell she was engaged with both the class and Luke at one time. It made me curious, specifically because she seemed like such a good student. What with the preppy outfit, high-pitched voice, formal articulation...what the hell was she doing talking to Luke?

I've decided now that I literally know nothing about Luke, and therefore I do not have the right to make any sort of assumption about him. I hate myself for thinking about him so much. Why do I care? I try to tell myself that I don't, that this is just some sort of mistake in my mind, just like everything else in my brain. I also don't know anything about that girl. I don't even know her first name. She could be Luke's friend, apart of that crowd he hung out with. Who was to say she wasn't, like, friends with benefits with him? I surely wasn't, since I am so clueless.