stoical - l.h.

sixteen

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I'm thrust out of the painful nightmare from my loud ringtone, and for a minute I'm so disoriented I think it's Calum calling me again to inform me about his fight with Luke, just like last weekend. But it isn't that night, and the brief déjà vu I experience fades away when I realize how absolutely loud the sound is. I scramble for the device and curse at the fact that I forgot to turn my ringer off before falling asleep. I've probably woken the whole damn house with this sound, and it's probably just a scam call or something.

I'm breathing heavy as I turn the phone the right way to see the number of who's calling me after quieting the noise. I consider the fact that I'm seeing things, or the fact that maybe I need to put on my glasses to see this clearly even though I only can't see faraway. Breathlessly, I squint and narrow my eyes at the screen and mutter to myself in the darkness.

"W-what?" I ask myself quietly. "I...what is going on right now?"

It's Luke. Is that shocking? I suppose at midnight when I was having a shitty nightmare, it is, but if I'd been awake, I don't know that I would be so surprised right now. In my altered state of reality, I lazily answer the call and before even putting the phone to my ear noise spills from the speaker and my eyes widen in alarm. I press the phone to my ear anyway, hesitant at first.

"H-hello?" I stutter into the microphone quietly.

Even further to my surprise, I hear something like sobbing coming from the other end. Or I'm mishearing things. "Lavender? Is that you?"

Luke's voice sounds weird and muffled. I can't quite place what it is in his voice that makes me scared in the moment, but something does, and I suddenly feel cold all over. I pull my sweatshirt sleeves over my hands and clear my throat.This is my first time speaking to Luke since I was at his house.

"Yeah, Luke. It's me," I say.

I hear him breathing heavily and then something like a sigh. It sounds like he's fumbling around with his phone a lot, or moving about in a way that is causing very loud sounds on my end. I have to pull the phone away from my ear a few times since the sounds hurt my eardrums.

"Oh, Lavender," he says. His voice is weirdly calm but still sounds like he's crying. "It's you, it's really you, Lavender. I love to say your name, don't you?"

It's now that I realize he's wasted from the intense slur of his words. The unsettled feeling in my stomach increases at this realization. There is something about knowing he's intoxicated that doesn't sit well with me. But he can't do anything to me over the phone. And if he starts saying weird things, I can hang up immediately, can't I? I have that right. It doesn't matter what he thinks of me after that, right? I have the opportunity to hang up whenever I want to.

"Why did you call me, Luke?" I ask. How are you even supposed to talk to someone who's drunk? I talked to Calum okay, but it was still weird, the way he acted. And I can assume that Luke won't be the same since they're such different people.

"I called you?" he asks dumbly. More fumbling from his end. I lay back down on my pillow, feeling a headache coming on. I suddenly hear loud music from his end and start shaking my head in disbelief. "Lavender...I'm such a dick."

His words sound far away and it's hard for me to understand them, but I get the gist of them. He thinks he's a dick, and he goes on to mumble a lot more intensely hateful things about himself that shock me to the core. He goes on and on about how he hates himself and I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to say to that. I don't know what I'm supposed to do at all.

"I hate me," he tells me blankly. I hear him huff out a sigh and then a sob that's a little painful to listen to breaks from his throat. "Why do I always do this?"