stoical - l.h.

nineteen

❀❀

December thirteenth. Seventeen years ago from this date, I was born to two parents who wanted me, and who, four years later, decided I wasn't good enough and threw me out with the garbage. That's what I think about on my birthday. That is the only thing I think about on my birthday. Not another year on earth, not the fact that I survived, not that I want presents or a cake or a wish to come true. All I think of as I get ready for school on this December thirteenth is my despicable set of parents and how unfair life is for having given them to me. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them and their mistakes and the way they decided I wasn't worth anything.

I don't cry while these thoughts run through my tired brain because I've thought them every year for awhile now. This is just another day for me, I try to reassure myself, and I'm glad no one knows otherwise. I wouldn't like all the fussing, I just know it. I don't want presents, I don't want so much as a freaking hug on this day. It isn't to be celebrated. And, actually, it never really has been celebrated. I suppose that's the only good thing I've experienced in foster care. It's a little bit sad, since it only comes from negligent people, but even so, I hate my birthday.

I should've known this family wouldn't forget about it, forget about me. During, perhaps, the worst year to get in my face about my birthday.

I walk downstairs as if everything is normal. But everything is not, in fact, normal. The moment I walk in the kitchen, I see Elise standing with a smile I don't like by the island. The moment she sees me, her eyes light up a bit. I don't think I've ever seen her this early before since she's always gone to work by now, I believe.

"Are you going to work late?" I ask slowly, suspiciously. "Is everything okay?"

Elise walks to meet me where I am, at the entrance of the kitchen, and looks down at me. "Yes, I'm going in late. I wanted to be here to wish you a happy birthday now since I might not catch you later. I'm working a late night tonight."

I feel the blood leave my face. If Elise knows, the whole house probably does. Great. Perfect. "Oh."

Elise looks excited, as if it's her birthday. "Do you want anything? Special breakfast? Calum can stop somewhere on the way to school, if you want. I'll give him some money to - "

"N-no," I interrupt softly. My throat feels dry. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure, honey?" Elise asks calmly, a little concern laced in her features. "I want you to have a nice day. I know things haven't been particularly easy around here lately..."

I shake my head, feeling a little queasy. "It's fine. I don't want anything. Seriously."

She shrugs and gives me a hesitant nod. Then she takes a deep breath, as if getting rid of the sudden negativity, and looks calm once again. "Well, I'll apologize in advance for the lack of something wrapped to open on your birthday. What I have for you is more of a spoken present rather than a physical one."

I feel my hands begin to tremble a bit as they grow clammy as the seconds pass. I have no idea what's about to come out of this woman's mouth, and the thoughts running through my frantic brain are not healthy, I know. Don't get your hopes up, Lavender, I chastise myself.

"Uh...okay?" I say shakily. I'm afraid to hear what she's about to say and I hate that there is even any sort of present. I'm afraid I won't act accordingly, or she'll think I'm ungrateful, which I probably am since I don't even want anything...

"So..." Elise begins speaking, but can't seem to find the right words to say and hesitates a bit before continuing. "Like I said, I know things haven't been very easy. I apologize for that. But since we've, I think, been growing closer with you, I wanted to offer you something..."