Figurehead

fourteen

I glare at his retreating figure. "Lus!" I turn to where he was looking before to see who it is that's watching me, and I end up frozen in my spot, gawking. As a man approaches- tall, dark-skinned, with eyes a colour I have seen in no one else's- my initial shock shifts into an undefinable mix of things. "What in the lands?" I hiss, as he comes to a stop only a footstep from me.

He manages a smile, and I can't help but think he's never looked so beautiful. "Hey, Janf," he says softly, his voice laced with everything at once.

And I'm speechless. I don't know how I'm supposed to react, what I'm supposed to say, what I'm supposed to think, let alone feel. I'm happy, I'm angry, I'm- I'm- I don't know. Do I cry? Do I laugh? Both? Do I punch him in the face? Slap him? Kiss him? My pulse is racing, but nowhere near as quickly as my thoughts are crashing through my mind.

And before I can react, he draws me into a hug.

His arms are tight around me, his face buried in my hair, my face buried in the pelt he wears, my arms wound around his lower back and I still don't know if I should laugh or cry or yell. The urge to do all three seems to build in my chest with each beat of my heart until it's as if I'll burst, but I do none of these things, just squeeze my eyes shut and relish the fact I'm alive and he's alive and we're.. Still.. Us.

You're a fish trying to grow legs. I missed you. Why are you here? It's not safe. I missed you. You should be in Anshakim. I missed you. If you were a fish, you'd live in the desert. You must have eaten sand, must have hit your head. I wish I could kiss you but then I'd be queen. Did you even think before coming here? I missed you. You shouldn't be here. It's not safe.

I don't know what to say, so I say nothing at all. At least, I don't intend to until "I missed you" slips through my lips as a muffled mumble.

What could be a laugh or something rumbles in his chest and whispers through me. "I missed you too."

Slowly, our arms loosen around each other and we step back, cold winds brushing between us, snow falling all around and above us. "Why are you here?" I ask after a moment, a spark of anger in my voice.

"I'm here to help rebuild Vrendust."

"It's not safe here," I insist. "You shouldn't be here."

He shakes his head, eyes glinting with a hint of ice. "Janf, I'm not my afa." The rebuke stings, more so because I have seen his afa, and I know just how true his statement is.

"I never said you were," I manage to reply.

"So don't expect me to stay in the palace, away from the war, away from my people, who need me. I will not stay put when there are people who could use my help." His lips are pressed into a line, his eyes flashing.

I can't argue. He's right. This is the way he has been since I met him, and this aspect of his character won't change anytime soon. Yes, he can help from in his palace, but he is willing to put himself in danger to help in a more direct and personal way. I respect and admire him for this- but I hate it, too.

"I'm sorry," I say eventually.

He sighs, taking my hand as the ice in his eyes melts away. "So am I." He doesn't elaborate. "Are the others alright?" he asks, tentatively.

I nod. "I have messages from them for you, Lus and Nirs." I raise an eyebrow. "I was going to go to Anshakim after I came here, but I suppose that can wait now."

He laughs a little. "And you're.. Alright?"

I nod. "Yeah. I'm good. I'm fine. I'm..." I smile. "Happy. For now."