Figurehead

fourteen

"Thanks." The messenger nods once and leaves, probably glad the rain hasn't resumed for a while yet.

I snap the simple seal and unroll the small note, frowning at its contents.

Hey Janf.
By the time you read this, I'll be on my way. I'm going to Aranakiu for a while to help Sher. She's going to teach me. When she leaves with you and the others, I'll keep training with another healer until I know enough to be helpful. Then I'll join you. Sorry I didn't tell you in person.
-Nirs

I look up from the message at the streets where a few are scuttling their way past, wary of the cold winds and cloud-darkened sky. When did she write this? When did she decide this?

I tuck the note into one of my jacket pockets, then close and lock the door behind me. Who else knew about this?

Am I the last to know?

The temporary roofing has been erected over some of the streets now, so there are more people out here, walking around. It's only half-day but the clouds are so dark that everything is in shadow.

It takes some time to get through the narrow passageways full of people and noise, but it's nice to be unnoticed as people brush past, and voices and laughs surround my ears. The people of this empire are the pulse, the current that keeps it all together. Most of the time.

When I reach the palace entrance, two of the palace guards stand with serious expressions on their faces. Juk nods to me and I nod back. As I pass, I hear the other- Gri- comment, "Is she going too?" I think I hear a "Yes".

The halls are silent, although I think I hear a shuffle of a serving-child's footsteps in one of the passageways. It always feels like night in this place, and it always seems like Kras or Dre, even if the air is warm, hot even. Not like now. I hear a quiet mutter.

I push the doors to the largest room in the palace open and stand in the doorway.

"Janf," he says smoothly, looking up from a disorganised small stack of parchments, nibs and an inkpot.

Next to him, his kin looks up, raising an eyebrow. "What brings you here with such dramatic flair?" he asks dryly, returning his attention to his own small pile of parchments.

I shove my hands in my pockets. "Did Nirs tell you two as well?"

"Mm-hm," he nods, rearranging the papers before him.

"When?"

Lus shrugs. "A messenger gave me the note yesterday."

"Why did I only get one today, then?" I walk up to the table, leaning my forearms on the back of one of the chairs.

"Janf." He looks up at me, raising an eyebrow.

I sigh. "I know. I just wish she'd told me."

"You'll see her soon enough," he points out.

"Yeah. I know." I exhale. "Sorry about that." I furrow my eyebrows. "What are you doing?"

"Waiting for the guards to let us know who's going," Lus mutters.

"And informing people Lus will be taking over for however long I'm gone." Lus' stance immediately shifts as he stiffens, fist curling around the nib.

"Anyone you want to inform?" Lus asks flatly.

I sigh and walk the length of the table, footsteps clicking gently against the stone before I slide into the seat beside him. I pick up one of the messages written in his scrawl and skim my eyes over it-

-ile I'm away. I'll be alright, Afa. Really. I'll be alright. This is the Lord's will. I won't be alone, either, s-

He plucks it out of my hands with an amused curl of the lips. "I thought it was a blank page," I say lightly with a shrug.

He rolls his eyes with a snort and places a few pieces of parchment and a nib in front of me. "These are blank pages."

I dip the nib into the inkpot, my hand poised and hovering over the smooth parchment. I didn't think much about this, did I? I didn't think this through, I really didn't. I'm leaving. Tomorrow at half-day. I'm leaving.

It doesn't feel like it, even now as I wait for words to come to my mind. Something to send back to my family to inform them. And if I don't return, to comfort them. But I haven't seen them in two seasons, haven't heard from them almost since last month.

What to say, what to write, what to say, what to write?

Something from the heart. Something... Nice. Meaningful.

I wait for the words to come.

It takes a while.

I stack the empty plate on the other, crossing my arms and leaning back in my seat. It is silent here, in the vastness of the room. He told me it used to hold balls, feasts, when the empire had more wealth. Monetary wealth as well as rich earth. When the crown meant more and weighed more, when coronations were celebrated with a banquet and a dance and a flurry of richly dyed pelts and skins and cloths.

The large room is cold, although there are hearths at either long end of it. There are only the two of us now. Moments ago, Lus headed off to the guest room he stays in whenever he comes to Anshakim. Dein's eyes are bleary when he meets my gaze.

"You should sleep," I say flatly as he blinks at me.

He stifles a yawn. "What about you?" he mumbles.

I shrug. "I'm going to go home and sleep too."

He yawns again and rises to his feet, muttering something incoherent. I try not to laugh when I stand, too, picking up the plates and cutlery. "You don't know where they go," he points out, and I shrug. One of the serving will be awake somewhere.

He rubs one of his eyes and shuffles slowly across the room. It's easy to keep pace beside him when he's like this. He stops suddenly. "What?" I didn't realise we were standing so close. And his eyes don't  look so sleepy anymore. Maybe that's just me. Maybe it's just because he's right here.

Right.

Here.

He blinks, then glances back at the table's end, still littered with an inkpot, several nibs and blank parchments. "We did send them off, right?"

I nod. "Uh-huh, before we ate." He nods, and we continue in silence. It will take four days or more for a messenger to send my letters to my family. By then, I'll have reached Kalsemir.

One of the serving takes the plates from me, expression and pale pale grey eyes unreadable before he heads off down a passageway. Dein stretches his arms with an almost-yawn. "Sleep well," he murmurs, looking down into my eyes, and I nod. I'm not going to kiss him.

There is something about his eyes when he's sleepy. It's like they're slightly blurred, but they shine like the surface of the Eska during Swi, when the air is warm, the sky is clear and the lake's surface is completely and utterly flat. At peace. Still.

They're like that.

"You too."

His smile is small, but warm.

Another guard stands by the entrance, neither Gri or Juk. I see the curiosity in his gaze as I pass him and descend the steps from the palace into the cold and shadowed night.