Figurehead

twenty-six

Fiut is giving the sleeping king water to drink while Ret looks on when I return. "The same as ever," Ret comments quietly, rising from the chair. Fiut closes the waterskin and sets it on the chest of drawers.

"Need anything?" the boy asks me.

I can shake my head now, but it hurts. A lot. So I don't. "No," I say instead, and my voice sounds empty. Hollow.

The two leave the room, and Ret lightly touches my shoulder as he passes. I drop into the empty seat, letting the staff fall to the flood with a clunk.

"I wish you had been there," I whisper. "To say fare well." I hesitate. "Maybe then you'd have been able to steady me, instead of that piece of wood on the floor." I wipe at my eyes. "Will you be there to fare Sher well in a few days? Or will- will I have- will I have to say fare well to you too?" I choke on the words and don't bother wiping the tears away.

I reach out, my right hand shaking as it touches his cheek. My fingers are ice and his skin is like fire. "I don't- I can't- I don't want to have to say fare well to you too," I manage to gasp out, retracting my hand. "A- and I think Riu might be giving up."

My fingers tremble as I take the crumpled parchment from my pocket and hold it in my hands. "She gave this to me, to give to Lus when he wakes." If he wakes. I sniff, swipe at my cheeks with the back of my left hand. "I can't lose you both," I whisper. "I've already lost Sher and Nirs. I can't lose you and Lus as well."

I shove the message back into my pocket. "Wake up." My fingers shake as I reach out and grasp his hand, squeezing it. But his hand stays limp. Warm, yes, but limp. My breaths shudder, despite the fact I can see the steady rise and fall of his chest, hear his quiet even breaths. "I can't lose you. I can't be queen." Not unless you're king.

I flounder for words. "Why did you name me second heir?" I finally gasp out. "I'm no queen. I can't be queen, not unless you're king. I was- I was finally going to tell you but- and but then I heard the fighting-"

I break off, clamping my left hand over my mouth. "Don't leave me to- to bring the kingdom to ruin and fail the people you love so much." I can't speak. I can't breathe. I can't- I can't-

My cries are muffled by my hand, my eyes squeezed shut while tears stream down my cheeks.

My Lord. My Lord. Please. I will fail them. I will bring this empire to ruin. Please. Please. My Lord. Please. Let them wake. Let them serve You. Please.

Don't take them from this land. Not yet. Not yet. Please.

Please.

Someone clears his throat and I look up from where I sit on the ground, hastily wiping at my cheeks and eyes, though they are dry now. "Kor."

He has sorrow etched in the lines of his face. "I just wanted to see him," he says quietly.

"Of course, of course." I grab the staff and stand, sniffing. "I'll just be in the washroom." The keeper of the horses has been an afa to the king long before he was crowned. Most likely, he has already visited before more than once.

He lays a strong, warm hand on my shoulder as I make my slow way past him and out of the room, and I manage the faintest of smiles before crossing the front room. Tui and Fiut are absent.

I splash my face in water at least three times before gently drying it with a damp cloth. I must have looked a complete mess to the old stable-hand. I don't bother looking at my reflection in the water. I know my eyes are swollen and heavily underlined, my nose is pink, if not red, and it had stuff streaming out of it.

Nirs is gone. Sher is gone. So many are gone.

I shuffle back to the doorway of the bedroom, where I stop short. Kor is hunched forward in the chair, praying under his breath with his eyes closed, hands clasped together.